Better person

Its funny how people take offense at things written on the internet. Generally what I write on here are thoughts.... passing thoughts that are exactly that.... passing. They rarely linger, but I am a literary person. I do enjoy writing. I have a lot of thoughts in my head and at times it helps to get them out onto paper... or into a computer/internet blog.

I do not make anyone read this. In fact, I stopped giving out the URL to it because I don't care if you DO read it. It's something for me to do when I am bored and a lot is going through my mind and everyone I normally speak to is asleep.

I do not care if you are insulted by my blog. It is my blog. I can write what I wish. My opinions are my own and my blog is my own. Regardless of the fact that it is written on the internet..... I don't care.

If you happen to read this and are offended because I had the NERVE to point out the obvious that you are a raving lunatic with a unwarranted sense of superiority...... thats not my problem. It is your problem. You take offense to it, because it is true.

Then you proceed to write to me in an attempt to bring me down. You speak of my "education"....

yes.... I have education. I am very educated. Educated in the world as well as in books. I know that my intelligence is superior to yours. You know who you are. You are an idiot. You use the fact that your boyfriend is someone semi-important to reign havoc over the few people you have moderate control over. You only have control because those people let you have control over them. I dared to not let you get the better of me, so you decided to become a seven headed snake. You came at me from every angle, trying to break me down so that you could, once again, feel superior.

I deflected you.

You then write in your "hate mail" that you read my blog. No one made you. No one made you read my blog, bulletins or anything. You chose to do that. That was your downfall.... you are too curious and interested in what I do in life. You know you are an idiot. You know that you are pathetic and you live in a world where you have control over nothing.

You have no control over yourself.... which is why you work as a waitress at a bar.... You are 24 and you work as a waitress still. You are an uneducated waitress living at home with her parents with no real future. Don't be angry at me because I am superior and I am going somewhere in life.

I have goals. You goals consist of what?? Chasing your boyfriend around for life?? That sounds like a really great existence.

I am going somewhere. I am going to succeed and make a difference in the world because I am driven. My life does not revolve around lording my minuscule tidbit of power over people that don't know any better.




You... are the pathetic one in this equation.

And those that follow your opinions are pathetic as well. If people cannot make decisions on their own about someone, they are no better than those that they choose to hate. If people hate me, it is because they are deceived by you into thinking that I am someone to be hated. I work hard and sacrifice of myself to better those around me.

You know nothing about me.

Best.

I have the best friends ever.

I have never had a surprise party in my entire life. I've always wanted one, but no one has ever made the effort to put one together for me.

Rachel, Caitlin and Kat all put in the effort.

I had the best going away/early birthday party last night.

The best of the best friends showed up.

It was Pirate themed.




I got lots of Korea books and a pirate coloring book for my trip to S.Korea

I love my friends.

I'm going to miss them like crazy.





I love you guys!!

Changes

I'm becoming a bit of a insomniac.

I never sleep... which I find that sleep is overrated anyway. I think that everything should be open 24 hours a day. Everything. There's so much stuff I can get done when I'm not sleeping.... except NO ONE ELSE is open.

That really puts a cramp on my style.

Lucky for me... when I'm in Korea... it will be daytime in the states when it is night time in Korea and I'm not sleeping.

I can call and bug people.






I should always live on the other side of the world from the people I know.

Thats more my schedule anyway.

Family

For those of you that don't know me extremely well.... my family consists of my mom, dad and brother. Thats about it. I have a GMA who is completely insane.... and various relatives that we do not speak to, for various reasons.

Recently I have become oddly closer to my mom. Which is weird because we spent 22 years of my life fighting and wanting to rip each other a new one constantly. I have had some of the worst fights of my life with my mom..... and I wanted to turn my back and walk away from her and never return. We did not have a relationship... let alone a GOOD relationship.

Now, it appears that things are getting better, step by step. It apparently took me graduating college for my mom to loosen up and realize that I'm an intelligent individual and NO, I'm not a clone of her. I am my own person and will always be a little weird in her opinion.

For a lot of my life I have been the outcast in the family. The one who is the weirdo that no one knows where she came from. I never felt like I belonged. My brother is like a replica of my mom with a little of my dad in him. He's boring, just like my parents. I'm the exciting one that goes out and does stuff to see what it's like. I don't like to hear 'don't do this cause something bad will happen'. I like to go out and DO that, and find out what is so bad about the consequence. Call me stupid or reckless, but my life has always been like this and I enjoy it.

As children, my brother always knew what he wanted to be when he 'grew up'. He wanted to be a computer engineer from the moment he could understand what it was. My dad is a computer engineer.... it only seemed 'plausible' that he would follow in my dad's footsteps?? I don't know why he chose this, but he loves computers and he loves his job. Good for him. I love my brother so I'm happy that he is happy.

I, on the other hand, have never been that person.... I never knew what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a horse for a long time in elementary school.... until I realized that I couldn't be a horse. Ever. After that heartbreaking realization I wanted to be an actor... cause I sure as hell loved to act like a horse..... so if I was an actor I could play all kinds of fun roles. I took theater in high school and thought better of me being an actor. I still think I could do it, but it isn't my passion.

I spent forever trying to figure out what my passion is. You know what it is?? I HAVE NO IDEA!!! The thing about me is... I have about a billion passions. I love music... I love reading... I love traveling.... I love people..... I love history.

How do I smack those all together???? Go to another country and teach and meet people, and travel while I'm there and go to concerts of bands I love.

Yup. Thats pretty much my life plan.

To just fuck around for 60 or so years then kick the bucket in an awesome way.

I have lived life by the seat of my pants.... just going from one adventure to the other. Never really expecting life to take me in a certain direction or give me any ideas for a future.

I still have a billion goals that will result in different life paths.... but for now I'm satisfied not knowing.

I pride myself on the freedom in which I live everyday. I have my worries, but how many people would pick up their entire life after hearing 2 weeks ago that they are going to Korea? Most people would find that 2 weeks notice is not enough.... Its fast, but I'm willing and able.

I found out that my brother is looking for a job in Colorado..... and he's distancing himself from my parents and myself. Which makes me sad. I love my brother. I can't help but think that he's jealous and mad at me in some way.... He has been out of college for 2 years and he is finally getting to the point where he will leave AZ. He has always wanted to get the hell out. But I'm about 3 months out of college and I've already been on 2 concert tours around the country and am moving to another country.

Who has the plan NOW sucker???

I guess there is something to say for not being prepared and not making a life plan. Plans never work out anyway....

I feel pretty good about life right now.

Control

I think there is something to say for someone who has gone through the most intense sort of rejection by the world... hit rock bottom... and then bounced back. I have immense respect for those that have gone through hell and back in their lives and when they were at a point where they could give up and surrender to the urges of snuffing out that small glimmer of light..... they decided they would prevail. They would become better people than anyone in their lives expected them to become.

It takes guts to start over in life. It takes guts to look at yourself in the mirror and say 'I love you but I hate you' and then do something about it. The world is full of people who live day to day with the mundane life of a follower. They never make decisions that will heavily impact their lives. They try to avoid all possible conflict with outsiders.

The people I admire ARE the outsiders. They have dared to take that leap off the cliff of reality and put all their trust in a tiny parachute.

The following video is actually a radio interview with Wil Francis of Aiden.

You all know me well enough to know that his life is one that I admire more than most. You will know why after you listen to this.

Captivating.

Have you ever noticed how something so small can captivate your attention?

Such as raindrops on the sidewalk. I just sat outside for 30 minute doing nothing but listening to the rain hit the cement.... letting my mind wander over my life and the changes that are occurring. It's a little overwhelming at this juncture.... but eventually things will smooth out.

Its weird how someone can capture your attention as well. A simple glance into their eyes and you never forget what you saw there. Their eyes, their lips, their hands, their ears, their nose. Everything about them is so fascinating. Not necessarily the best eyes, or the best lips you've ever seen.... but fascinating none-the-less. Something you cannot look away from no matter how hard you try. You mull over the brooding soul you saw in the eyes, the smoke dancing off their lips.

Kinda ridiculous actually.

I realized tonight that my mind works way too fast. I am constantly thinking. I come up with little jokes in my head when someone says something. Regardless of what it is.... I find something in it that sparks 2100 thoughts... all at once. One of those thoughts is so cliche and random that it makes me burst out into sudden laughter. No one clearly understands why I'm laughing.... hell, I don't even totally realize it.

I need to shut down my mind before it spontaneously combusts. I explained to my friend Rachel... that my brain is like a runaway train.... it keeps going and going and going, faster and faster, never actually crashing into anything.... just forever a runaway train.

Apparently I'm less likely to get alzheimers because my mind works overtime.

Guess thats a good thing.

Or.... maybe I could use an escape from this wretched torture. I cannot sleep due to the overwhelming thoughts. I have become an extreme form of insomniac. A shadow of myself. I'm constantly tired without the ability to sleep. I am tired when I am reading, so I put my book down and turn off the light.... at this point I am immediately awake. Unable to sleep.....

I think I'm in the 7th circle of hell.... only reserved for the thieves and the over-thinkers, and the dreaded unfaithful lovers.

I like to think of peoples punishments in terms of Greek mythology. When someone has done something bad in their life, they are sent to Hades for eternity.... Hades is the Greek version of hell. At this point they are put into a situation that they are unable to control and it constantly repeats itself.

such as having to roll a rock up a hill each and everyday, but as soon as it nears the top..... it rolls back down. Or dying of thirst and being chained to the middle of a puddle of fresh water.... and whenever you bend down to drink.... the water retreats, just far enough that you cannot get a taste.

Or my personal favorite: the man who is strapped to a pole and everyday he has his liver eaten out by a vulture.... this vulture then consumes his liver. But... everyday the liver grows back inside the man so that the vulture has a meal for the next day.

I personally believe my personal hell is right now.... not being able to stop thinking.

Maybe something worse. Its easier for me to think of things for other people... not necessarily myself.

______________________________________________________

One of my favorite music artists is coming out with an album while I am going to be out of the country (October 28th to be exact). I will freak out to the max if I cannot get my grubby hands on it.

Sooner or later it will be mine.

Cigarettes and a Smile

I always have this certain person on my mind.... Always. Not a moment goes by where he isn't at the back of my mind.... lurking. Fucking with my reality. Fucking with my life. Fucking with my emotions.

I am spun into chaos every time I take the time to actually dwell on him. Most of the time, it's just a passing thought about something funny he did, or something silly he said or something fantastically annoying he did. Usually its a fleeting thought.... I try not to spend too much time on it. I have tried beyond belief to just.... get over it. To grow up and stop being a foolish girl. I don't want to love him.

I want to be heartless. I want to be callous. I want to be able to just say "screw him.... I am over it". But I can't. I have never had such a hard obstacle to overcome. I've always been able to eventually see the flaws in those that I think that I 'love'. I am not a stupid girl. I'm not the girl to fall head over heels. I'm the girl with a solid head on her shoulders. I'm the girl who people come to for advice because I'm logical. I'm the girl that people seem to believe doesn't want to ever get married. I'm the girl that is wild and free like wild horses... running free. I'm not the girl who gets strapped down. I'm not the girl who sells her heart on the black market for cigarettes and a smile. I so badly just want to get on with my life and not have him lurking there, reminding me of what a silly girl I am.

When I do take the time to really dwell on him, attempting to come up with flaws that will make me not love him. That will make my brain wake up from this love-sick slumber and say "what the hell is your deal?? You are especially retarded today". But no.... thats not the plan for me. Fate has once again decided that I'm going to be a love-sick puppy for eternity. When I think about his eyes I die a little inside from the fact that he is not here with me. When I think of his smile, crooked teeth and gold caps I laugh a little inside because his imperfections are what makes him beautiful. When I think of his smell I cannot think of anything more perfect in the world...... Then I get angry at myself because I'm so stupid to be in love.

I love who I am turning out to be in my later years of life.... (22 is so old, I know). But I do not think I'm good enough for him. I'm not perfect. Yes, he has imperfections, but I have emotional scars that run deeper than any physical flaw (and I have a few of those too).

I hate feeling inadequate.

blah.






my flowers are starting to grow beautifully. I cannot wait for them to get bigger. Too bad I won't be here in a month.

I'll be off somewhere in never-never land trying to regain my sanity and figure ME out.