Should I join the peace corps when I get home? I considered this as a possibility before I came to Korea.
Should I move to LA and pursue my dreams?
Should I get my TESOL certificate and move to Greece?
Should I stay put and work as a teacher for a couple years at my beloved McClintock High?
Should I do none of the above and live in my parents house for the rest of my youth?
Should I fix up my car and live in that for the next 10 years as I wander across the U.S. experiencing the life I've been given?
___________
I have been given a newfound sense of self and purpose. I don't know why it came now, all of a sudden. I came to a realization on friday after the horrid OPEN CLASS here in Korea. I realized that I don't hate this country. In fact, I am enjoying myself here. I can only imagine all the stories I will have by the time I go to leave home. Every day here is a new adventure.
Today I am going to get my first haircut in Korea. That should be interesting, for sure.
I have come to the conclusion that life is way too short.
I find it frustrating that I don't know what I'm going to do next. The past year made me realize that while I want certain things, those things aren't always for me. I hated how things turned out, but sometimes you can't stop things from turning out a certain way.
I haven't thought about the one who broke my heart as often in the last few days as I usually have. Rachel would be proud of me, she always yelled at me for giving him so much of myself when he didn't deserve me in the first place. I don't know why I dedicate so much of myself to certain people or things.
I am loyal... thats for sure.
But I think its a great sign that I haven't thought about him as much. I could really use a break from him and the thoughts of him that bring me such heartache.
WOOO
Today is a good day even though I'm tired.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
The Past
I look back on the past year with mixed feelings. So much has happened, good and bad, that has changed me forever.
I don't know whether I would change anything if I could... or if the results would be any different.
I would like to believe that someone out there somewhere has a plan for me that doesn't involve being used and abused by people. I'd like to believe that my life is meant to be extraordinary.
I graduated college in May, something I always wanted to accomplish and I worked hard for. There were times when I didn't think I would do it. I didn't think that I could make it. My mom freaked about my tattoos halfway through my junior year and I will admit.... I looked into how I could drop out. I stood outside the student services building for an hour... staring at it and imagining what life would be like. I didn't know how I would pay for my own college.... but I made the ultimate decision that I had worked too hard for 2.5 years, I wasn't going to throw that all away.
I did it. I graduated.
Once graduation was over, real life came and tried to break into my life. I warded it off for the summer.
I went on tour, Warped Tour 2008 and then Mayhem Tour. I had high hopes for this portion of my year. I had always wanted to go on tour and I was finally able to do it. Undoubtedly, most tour situations aren't perfect. Mine was less than perfect. I was treated incredibly bad by someone I considered to be a friend. Everything unraveled and I was done. I was dumped back into real life sooner than expected with less than a perfect plan of what to do now.
There I was... mid July with no job, no plans, nothing. I barely had an apartment. I barely had a life.
I went into 'Ms. Fix-It' mode. So many times in my life, another part of my personality has taken over my brain and my body. I am inside my head watching myself try and cope with the hand life dealt me. I tried to find a job, any job. I was a college graduate and I was applying to Hot Topic. I sent applications to every school district in the valley, including ones in other areas of Arizona where people sell sex to get AWAY from. I needed answers.
How was I supposed to get answers when I didn't even know the question?? Something made me leave parts of my applications blank. Some part of my other personality didn't want me to get those jobs. Something made me want to live in my fantasy world a little longer.
Don't get me wrong, I do not have multiple personalities, but sometimes parts of my one personality take over and lead me in certain directions.
I had always had this silly dream of going to another country and teaching english. After my summer of broken dreams I didn't think any of my dreams were worth pursuing anymore. I didn't think I had a realistic view of the world. I was a dreamer with a weird ability to get lucky and stumble across things that felt like answers to my dream.
I found myself in early August still without a job and quickly running out of money, not knowing what to do. Putting on a brave face for the people in my life when in reality my whole life and my soul was being sucked out of me. I was losing a battle I didn't even know I was fighting.
I got a call that answered my need for a job. Korea.
I ran away from the issues I wanted to pretend didn't exist. Here I am in Korea... trying to fix my psyche and my life. But in reality, I ran from those relationships that meant the most to me. They are dying everyday because I am not around to keep them alive.
I don't know what I'm doing when I get home in less than 9 months.
I wish I had some sort of life plan. This past year has completely ruined my idea of "life plans". I'm very aware that life plans don't always work out, but it comforted me that I had an idea of what I wanted to do in life. Now... I don't know. I don't have any idea what I want to do.
I'm happy here, finally. I don't want to stay here for longer than my year, but I'm afraid of what will happen when I'm no longer here....
I don't know whether I would change anything if I could... or if the results would be any different.
I would like to believe that someone out there somewhere has a plan for me that doesn't involve being used and abused by people. I'd like to believe that my life is meant to be extraordinary.
I graduated college in May, something I always wanted to accomplish and I worked hard for. There were times when I didn't think I would do it. I didn't think that I could make it. My mom freaked about my tattoos halfway through my junior year and I will admit.... I looked into how I could drop out. I stood outside the student services building for an hour... staring at it and imagining what life would be like. I didn't know how I would pay for my own college.... but I made the ultimate decision that I had worked too hard for 2.5 years, I wasn't going to throw that all away.
I did it. I graduated.
Once graduation was over, real life came and tried to break into my life. I warded it off for the summer.
I went on tour, Warped Tour 2008 and then Mayhem Tour. I had high hopes for this portion of my year. I had always wanted to go on tour and I was finally able to do it. Undoubtedly, most tour situations aren't perfect. Mine was less than perfect. I was treated incredibly bad by someone I considered to be a friend. Everything unraveled and I was done. I was dumped back into real life sooner than expected with less than a perfect plan of what to do now.
There I was... mid July with no job, no plans, nothing. I barely had an apartment. I barely had a life.
I went into 'Ms. Fix-It' mode. So many times in my life, another part of my personality has taken over my brain and my body. I am inside my head watching myself try and cope with the hand life dealt me. I tried to find a job, any job. I was a college graduate and I was applying to Hot Topic. I sent applications to every school district in the valley, including ones in other areas of Arizona where people sell sex to get AWAY from. I needed answers.
How was I supposed to get answers when I didn't even know the question?? Something made me leave parts of my applications blank. Some part of my other personality didn't want me to get those jobs. Something made me want to live in my fantasy world a little longer.
Don't get me wrong, I do not have multiple personalities, but sometimes parts of my one personality take over and lead me in certain directions.
I had always had this silly dream of going to another country and teaching english. After my summer of broken dreams I didn't think any of my dreams were worth pursuing anymore. I didn't think I had a realistic view of the world. I was a dreamer with a weird ability to get lucky and stumble across things that felt like answers to my dream.
I found myself in early August still without a job and quickly running out of money, not knowing what to do. Putting on a brave face for the people in my life when in reality my whole life and my soul was being sucked out of me. I was losing a battle I didn't even know I was fighting.
I got a call that answered my need for a job. Korea.
I ran away from the issues I wanted to pretend didn't exist. Here I am in Korea... trying to fix my psyche and my life. But in reality, I ran from those relationships that meant the most to me. They are dying everyday because I am not around to keep them alive.
I don't know what I'm doing when I get home in less than 9 months.
I wish I had some sort of life plan. This past year has completely ruined my idea of "life plans". I'm very aware that life plans don't always work out, but it comforted me that I had an idea of what I wanted to do in life. Now... I don't know. I don't have any idea what I want to do.
I'm happy here, finally. I don't want to stay here for longer than my year, but I'm afraid of what will happen when I'm no longer here....
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Give Thanks, then get off the shitter....
I feel that I should keep up with my yearly tradition of making a blog about what and who I am thankful for. I haven't actually taken the time recently to be thankful for much. I really should rethink that and be more thankful for the gifts in life.
I'm growing increasingly cynical by the day. I think I am negative and cynical and pessimistic by nature.... its in my genes (maybe in my jeans? haha) its in my blood. Whatever. Even cynical people know what to be thankful for and what to not be thankful for. ...
__________________________________
I'm thankful for my parents. This is the first time in a long time that I have included them on my list of things to be thankful for. Mostly because we have been clashing in recent years, as most parents do with their rebellious child. They have been surprisingly supportive of my decision to come to Korea. I was expecting, my mom especially, to flip her lid. I thought she would cry and beg me to stay home and accuse me of trying to break up the family. That wasn't the case. They helped me prepare to go, and they saw me off at the airport. I'm not even going to say they were glad to get rid of me, because if that were the case, my mom wouldn't be so diligent about emailing me daily. I love and appreciate their emails that they send me. It gives me something to look forward to during the hard days at my job. Whenever I feel down, I look at my inbox, and there's another email from my mom. And she went through all the trouble of making me a felt Christmas tree to hang in my apartment along with wrapped gifts. I am so thankful and I owe them a lot in life. I'm only beginning to realize this.
I'm thankful for my brother Steve. He and I spent many years fighting a losing battle against each other. Neither one was ever meant to win, and neither was meant to lose. It was just incredibly stupid to ever think we needed to fight. For a year or so after he graduated college I struggled to formulate a relationship with him. I always enjoyed him in that year, but he was never as open with me as I felt he should be. I'm an open book and I know most people are not. I appreciate Steve for being solid and unchanging. My parents needed someone like him while I was out and about doing things that disappointed them. I appreciate that now that he is older he is able to appreciate the wild side of me. He sees the humor in my personality and we are able to get along so much better now than we ever have.
I am thankful for my GMA. She may be crazy and we might fight like dogs sometimes, but she has always been there for me. When the rest of my grandparents gave up on my brother and I, she stood by us. She's always been there and despite all her crazy antics, she is an amazing individual.
I am thankful for my friends back home... I have so many I want to thank, but I don't want to write for forever.
So I'm going to thank them in a short message
Theresa-- for being there for me like any sister should be. I may not be related, but I've always felt like I was. You welcomed me into your life and home and you have always been there for me when I need someone to talk to or someone to hang out with and do nothing. You are hilariously funny and half the time you don't even know it. Your heart is so huge that I'm shocked you can even fit it in your chest. You care so much about other people that there is rarely room to care about yourself. I appreciate so much of what you have done for me and my friends over the years. I know we will be friends forever.
Bekah-- Despite the fact that we rarely see each other anymore, you have provided me with the security in myself to be who I should be. No one else has made me realize that I am perfectly great the way I am. You brought me to life all those years ago and no one can take that from you. You are the best thing that has happened to me in my life in so many ways and you will always own a piece of my heart.
Caitlin-- Even though we haven't known each other long, you have opened my eyes to a whole other world. You have brought out the emotional side in me. I side I have tried so hard to bury. You made me FEEL again. You showed me that it was ok to cry. You showed me what true friendship is all about. You seem to know when I'm down and you are willing to drive to the ends of the earth for me. No one has been a truer friend. You and Paul showed me what true love despite all costs really looks like. I will never let you forget that you guys are the couple that renewed my belief in true love.
Rachel-- For opening up to me and letting me into your life. You are a truly amazing person who means more to me than I ever imagined. You have a sarcastic sense of humor which compliments my own. You aren't afraid to be who you are and believe what you want to believe. You made me think hard about what I believed in and learn to defend them regardless of the situation.
Kat-- You are an extremely positive influence on my life. You made me realize that its ok to be honest with yourself about your religion and beliefs. I tried for so long to be this girl who doesn't talk about religion. You made me realize that its ok to be open about it and still have friends who don't believe it. I was always scared that people would run away if they found out I had things I believed in. You are an extremely strong person and no one makes me laugh til I cannot breathe like you do.
Jeremy-- Even though we have had some world famous fights... if fights could go super sonic, ours would have been nuclear. I think part of the reason I get so mad at you is because I love you. I cannot stand the idea that you and I would not be friends at some point. There was not a day during our fight that I didn't think of you and hope that things would get fixed at some point. I'm so thankful that things are better between us. You make me laugh so hard at the stupidest things. I can be my silly self around you and you never think I'm being weird and dumb. You give the best bear hugs and even when you shove me into closets, I know that you care about me too. You're the best
I miss you all everyday.
There are tons of other people I would love to thank, but this list is getting out of hand.
Lastly I want to thank my coworkers
When I came to Korea, I came here alone. I had no one. There is no doubt in my mind that I would have failed here if it wasn't for my coworkers. Mike took me under his wing and helped me figure things out. He's my sounding board for all things that piss me off. Because there's a good chance those same things have pissed him off. He's my favorite "Negative Nancy". Christine has been more helpful than she ever needed to be. She helped me figure out everything that I needed to do at the school. Without her I would have floundered on many occasions. She supported me and gave me the necessary tools to be successful in this school. Erik... eternally optimistic and cheerful Erik. I have nicknamed him "Fuzzy". Not only does that describe his hair and beard, but it describes his personality well. He's the type of guy that is always happy. Even if he is upset by something, he manages to not be mad at people uninvolved in the situation. He is always good for a laugh or a sarcastic remark. The most random things happen to him and he takes it all in stride. Michelle... my fellow Phoenix, AZ pal. We have this unspoken bond that dates back to the moment we met in the airport. There is no one that knows you better than someone who cried with you within 3 minutes of meeting. She makes me laugh constantly and she takes everything in stride. She laughs loudly when she finds things funny, and she's comfortable with herself. I appreciate people who can be completely honest about who they are. Kristen.... has been one of the greatest people recently. She was my first official friend in Korea. She showed me around and we had a lot of great times together. When I didn't have internet she let me come us hers every night if I wanted. I will definitely miss her when she leaves in 3 weeks.
Thats about it.
I'm thankful for the U.S. and home. Everyday I am more and more thankful
I'm especially thankful for music. I wouldn't make it through daily life without it. It drowns out the voices in my head that drive me crazy day by day. If not for music I wouldn't be here today. It has brought me inner peace.
I'm growing increasingly cynical by the day. I think I am negative and cynical and pessimistic by nature.... its in my genes (maybe in my jeans? haha) its in my blood. Whatever. Even cynical people know what to be thankful for and what to not be thankful for. ...
__________________________________
I'm thankful for my parents. This is the first time in a long time that I have included them on my list of things to be thankful for. Mostly because we have been clashing in recent years, as most parents do with their rebellious child. They have been surprisingly supportive of my decision to come to Korea. I was expecting, my mom especially, to flip her lid. I thought she would cry and beg me to stay home and accuse me of trying to break up the family. That wasn't the case. They helped me prepare to go, and they saw me off at the airport. I'm not even going to say they were glad to get rid of me, because if that were the case, my mom wouldn't be so diligent about emailing me daily. I love and appreciate their emails that they send me. It gives me something to look forward to during the hard days at my job. Whenever I feel down, I look at my inbox, and there's another email from my mom. And she went through all the trouble of making me a felt Christmas tree to hang in my apartment along with wrapped gifts. I am so thankful and I owe them a lot in life. I'm only beginning to realize this.
I'm thankful for my brother Steve. He and I spent many years fighting a losing battle against each other. Neither one was ever meant to win, and neither was meant to lose. It was just incredibly stupid to ever think we needed to fight. For a year or so after he graduated college I struggled to formulate a relationship with him. I always enjoyed him in that year, but he was never as open with me as I felt he should be. I'm an open book and I know most people are not. I appreciate Steve for being solid and unchanging. My parents needed someone like him while I was out and about doing things that disappointed them. I appreciate that now that he is older he is able to appreciate the wild side of me. He sees the humor in my personality and we are able to get along so much better now than we ever have.
I am thankful for my GMA. She may be crazy and we might fight like dogs sometimes, but she has always been there for me. When the rest of my grandparents gave up on my brother and I, she stood by us. She's always been there and despite all her crazy antics, she is an amazing individual.
I am thankful for my friends back home... I have so many I want to thank, but I don't want to write for forever.
So I'm going to thank them in a short message
Theresa-- for being there for me like any sister should be. I may not be related, but I've always felt like I was. You welcomed me into your life and home and you have always been there for me when I need someone to talk to or someone to hang out with and do nothing. You are hilariously funny and half the time you don't even know it. Your heart is so huge that I'm shocked you can even fit it in your chest. You care so much about other people that there is rarely room to care about yourself. I appreciate so much of what you have done for me and my friends over the years. I know we will be friends forever.
Bekah-- Despite the fact that we rarely see each other anymore, you have provided me with the security in myself to be who I should be. No one else has made me realize that I am perfectly great the way I am. You brought me to life all those years ago and no one can take that from you. You are the best thing that has happened to me in my life in so many ways and you will always own a piece of my heart.
Caitlin-- Even though we haven't known each other long, you have opened my eyes to a whole other world. You have brought out the emotional side in me. I side I have tried so hard to bury. You made me FEEL again. You showed me that it was ok to cry. You showed me what true friendship is all about. You seem to know when I'm down and you are willing to drive to the ends of the earth for me. No one has been a truer friend. You and Paul showed me what true love despite all costs really looks like. I will never let you forget that you guys are the couple that renewed my belief in true love.
Rachel-- For opening up to me and letting me into your life. You are a truly amazing person who means more to me than I ever imagined. You have a sarcastic sense of humor which compliments my own. You aren't afraid to be who you are and believe what you want to believe. You made me think hard about what I believed in and learn to defend them regardless of the situation.
Kat-- You are an extremely positive influence on my life. You made me realize that its ok to be honest with yourself about your religion and beliefs. I tried for so long to be this girl who doesn't talk about religion. You made me realize that its ok to be open about it and still have friends who don't believe it. I was always scared that people would run away if they found out I had things I believed in. You are an extremely strong person and no one makes me laugh til I cannot breathe like you do.
Jeremy-- Even though we have had some world famous fights... if fights could go super sonic, ours would have been nuclear. I think part of the reason I get so mad at you is because I love you. I cannot stand the idea that you and I would not be friends at some point. There was not a day during our fight that I didn't think of you and hope that things would get fixed at some point. I'm so thankful that things are better between us. You make me laugh so hard at the stupidest things. I can be my silly self around you and you never think I'm being weird and dumb. You give the best bear hugs and even when you shove me into closets, I know that you care about me too. You're the best
I miss you all everyday.
There are tons of other people I would love to thank, but this list is getting out of hand.
Lastly I want to thank my coworkers
When I came to Korea, I came here alone. I had no one. There is no doubt in my mind that I would have failed here if it wasn't for my coworkers. Mike took me under his wing and helped me figure things out. He's my sounding board for all things that piss me off. Because there's a good chance those same things have pissed him off. He's my favorite "Negative Nancy". Christine has been more helpful than she ever needed to be. She helped me figure out everything that I needed to do at the school. Without her I would have floundered on many occasions. She supported me and gave me the necessary tools to be successful in this school. Erik... eternally optimistic and cheerful Erik. I have nicknamed him "Fuzzy". Not only does that describe his hair and beard, but it describes his personality well. He's the type of guy that is always happy. Even if he is upset by something, he manages to not be mad at people uninvolved in the situation. He is always good for a laugh or a sarcastic remark. The most random things happen to him and he takes it all in stride. Michelle... my fellow Phoenix, AZ pal. We have this unspoken bond that dates back to the moment we met in the airport. There is no one that knows you better than someone who cried with you within 3 minutes of meeting. She makes me laugh constantly and she takes everything in stride. She laughs loudly when she finds things funny, and she's comfortable with herself. I appreciate people who can be completely honest about who they are. Kristen.... has been one of the greatest people recently. She was my first official friend in Korea. She showed me around and we had a lot of great times together. When I didn't have internet she let me come us hers every night if I wanted. I will definitely miss her when she leaves in 3 weeks.
Thats about it.
I'm thankful for the U.S. and home. Everyday I am more and more thankful
I'm especially thankful for music. I wouldn't make it through daily life without it. It drowns out the voices in my head that drive me crazy day by day. If not for music I wouldn't be here today. It has brought me inner peace.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Share it with me.
Have you ever loved someone with so much of your being that it hurts to breathe??
Thinking of them being so far away makes you die a little inside and you wonder how you could possibly live your entire life without them in it.
Have you felt this way??
Thats how I feel now.
My heart and soul are slowly dying.
this sucks!! And I can't do shit about it either except tough it out or die.
Thinking of them being so far away makes you die a little inside and you wonder how you could possibly live your entire life without them in it.
Have you felt this way??
Thats how I feel now.
My heart and soul are slowly dying.
this sucks!! And I can't do shit about it either except tough it out or die.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
ROADTRIP-A-PALOOZA 2009
I'm bored here in Korea. Not that there isn't a lot to do... because there IS.... but on week nights when I get off work at 6 and get home, all there really is to do... is sit around on my computer, think about things and sleep.
Weekends are a different story. LOADS to do.
Since I am excited at the idea of going home and to keep my mind off the fact that it will be 9 months before I am close to leaving to come home.... I'm going to keep my mind occupied by planning the ultimate roadtrip.
I don't know exactly where I want to go... But I think in the direction of Seattle, WA with a stop in San Francisco, LA, and various places in between would be rad.
If you know anything about me, You know that I love love love love Seattle AND San Francisco AND LA.... you can't get much better when planning a roadtrip than planning one to your 3 favorite American cities in the Fall.
Beautiful. Relaxing. Fun. Amazing.
I just need to get some people to come.
I know I want Jeremy and Bekah to come. It isn't a roadtrip without them. I hope that they would be able to come, but who knows.
Lalalala time to plaaaannnnnnn
Weekends are a different story. LOADS to do.
Since I am excited at the idea of going home and to keep my mind off the fact that it will be 9 months before I am close to leaving to come home.... I'm going to keep my mind occupied by planning the ultimate roadtrip.
I don't know exactly where I want to go... But I think in the direction of Seattle, WA with a stop in San Francisco, LA, and various places in between would be rad.
If you know anything about me, You know that I love love love love Seattle AND San Francisco AND LA.... you can't get much better when planning a roadtrip than planning one to your 3 favorite American cities in the Fall.
Beautiful. Relaxing. Fun. Amazing.
I just need to get some people to come.
I know I want Jeremy and Bekah to come. It isn't a roadtrip without them. I hope that they would be able to come, but who knows.
Lalalala time to plaaaannnnnnn
Tunes
Certain moods and certain points in my life make me more attracted to certain songs. Some songs lie in my iPod for months without being listened to and all of a sudden I start to listen to that song(s) over and over and over....
Music speaks to my soul
These are a few songs and artists I'm currently listening to:
Music speaks to my soul
These are a few songs and artists I'm currently listening to:
Life
I have been thinking a lot recently... well more like in the last year about things I want out of life.
The important things obviously take a more important role in my thinking than the others. There are many things that I would like to try to do with my life that if I don't accomplish them, I won't feel incomplete.
There are those things though that I would feel incomplete without. I am, in myself, a whole person and I'm happy with who I am. I become happier daily with the person I have turned out to be in life. I think that I am an intelligent person, I care about others, I make people laugh, I can hold an intelligent conversation, I can spell most words, I am adventurous, I am daring, but I'm also level-headed and think things through when I know I should. I have something called COMMON SENSE that I have noticed that a lot of people do not have.
Another quality that I love and hate about myself is the fact that I know exactly what I want and I don't settle for anything less than perfection. I use this for my shopping as well.... I picture exactly what I want in my head and I don't buy anything until I find it. This has made for a really great wardrobe. ;) This has kept me from many disastrous situations and relationships. I could have dated all over Phoenix if I wanted to, but I decided to keep my shit to myself and not be a whore. I want my love life to be special.
Call me old fashioned, but I want the person I'm with for the rest of my life to be the one and only love of my life. I'm not satisfied with just settling for whomever is around. I don't believe that anyone should settle for anything less than their perfect match.
Maybe I'm a fool because I believe that each and every person has that one person out there that completes them. Some people find them early in life and some people find them later. But most people find them eventually.
I believe that I will find that person, and when I do, it will be perfect. I will know it. I will fight with them like crazy, but I will love them with every fiber of my being. They will make me laugh hysterically, harder than I've ever laughed before, but they will also be able to share their thoughts with me and make me think of things in ways I never thought of before.
When I was younger (and during certain points in my present life...) people constantly said to me "You are too picky", "You should just try going out with different guys... see how it goes". I don't think thats the way to find anyone special. Being picky isn't a bad thing. Being picky means I know what I want. Being picky means that I have put some serious thought into it and I refuse to waste my time or the guys' time.
Dating around is a complete cluster fuck of a bad idea. Yes... Let's date a bunch of guys I'm not remotely interested in and hope that some sort of feeling develops.
I have always lived my life moment by moment.
If I want to go to LA, I pick up and go. Bekah and I have gone to LA multiple times with 3 hours of planning. I'm very spontaneous and I very much believe that my immediate gut feeling is always right. I trust my gut more than I trust any single person in the world.
I know what I want in life. And dating some loser guy I'm not sure about, but I'm too lost in myself to know that I would be ok with out him...... isn't the way to live life.
Being alone is only for the strong willed and those with hearts the size of Texas.
For the first time in my life, I'm really happy being the way I am. I need to surround myself with friends who have the same goals as me and who don't look down on me because I chose to be alone.
I just had a break-through :)
The important things obviously take a more important role in my thinking than the others. There are many things that I would like to try to do with my life that if I don't accomplish them, I won't feel incomplete.
There are those things though that I would feel incomplete without. I am, in myself, a whole person and I'm happy with who I am. I become happier daily with the person I have turned out to be in life. I think that I am an intelligent person, I care about others, I make people laugh, I can hold an intelligent conversation, I can spell most words, I am adventurous, I am daring, but I'm also level-headed and think things through when I know I should. I have something called COMMON SENSE that I have noticed that a lot of people do not have.
Another quality that I love and hate about myself is the fact that I know exactly what I want and I don't settle for anything less than perfection. I use this for my shopping as well.... I picture exactly what I want in my head and I don't buy anything until I find it. This has made for a really great wardrobe. ;) This has kept me from many disastrous situations and relationships. I could have dated all over Phoenix if I wanted to, but I decided to keep my shit to myself and not be a whore. I want my love life to be special.
Call me old fashioned, but I want the person I'm with for the rest of my life to be the one and only love of my life. I'm not satisfied with just settling for whomever is around. I don't believe that anyone should settle for anything less than their perfect match.
Maybe I'm a fool because I believe that each and every person has that one person out there that completes them. Some people find them early in life and some people find them later. But most people find them eventually.
I believe that I will find that person, and when I do, it will be perfect. I will know it. I will fight with them like crazy, but I will love them with every fiber of my being. They will make me laugh hysterically, harder than I've ever laughed before, but they will also be able to share their thoughts with me and make me think of things in ways I never thought of before.
When I was younger (and during certain points in my present life...) people constantly said to me "You are too picky", "You should just try going out with different guys... see how it goes". I don't think thats the way to find anyone special. Being picky isn't a bad thing. Being picky means I know what I want. Being picky means that I have put some serious thought into it and I refuse to waste my time or the guys' time.
Dating around is a complete cluster fuck of a bad idea. Yes... Let's date a bunch of guys I'm not remotely interested in and hope that some sort of feeling develops.
I have always lived my life moment by moment.
If I want to go to LA, I pick up and go. Bekah and I have gone to LA multiple times with 3 hours of planning. I'm very spontaneous and I very much believe that my immediate gut feeling is always right. I trust my gut more than I trust any single person in the world.
I know what I want in life. And dating some loser guy I'm not sure about, but I'm too lost in myself to know that I would be ok with out him...... isn't the way to live life.
Being alone is only for the strong willed and those with hearts the size of Texas.
For the first time in my life, I'm really happy being the way I am. I need to surround myself with friends who have the same goals as me and who don't look down on me because I chose to be alone.
I just had a break-through :)
Monday, November 17, 2008
Fair-weather Friend
I have come to realize in the past few weeks/months, whatever... that I am surrounded by fair weather friends. I never considered that moving to another location would make friends disappear. Admittedly I'm in another part of the world, but those friends from other states that I rarely saw anyway... they should realistically keep in better touch.
I'm a great pen pal. I write back THE DAY I get letters, or at least the next day. I'm the best!! Why would people not want to write to me??
Whatever. As far as I'm concerned I'm alone in this life and I'm totally ok with that. I have seriously changed my outlook on life recently.
I'm tired of being treated like crap by "friends". I aim to surround myself with people I enjoy. Those that make me laugh or make me think critically. But I don't plan to get overly attached to those I know won't last.
I have recently made friendships that I would love to think would last a long time, but I don't see myself as being a doormat. If you cannot be a friend that appreciates me and treats me with the respect I deserve.... our relationship won't last and that won't bother me one bit.
You do what you want, I'll do what I want... if we do it together, then great!! If we don't.... oh well.
I can honestly say that there are a handful of people that I honestly miss from back home.
Are you one of them???????????
I'm a great pen pal. I write back THE DAY I get letters, or at least the next day. I'm the best!! Why would people not want to write to me??
Whatever. As far as I'm concerned I'm alone in this life and I'm totally ok with that. I have seriously changed my outlook on life recently.
I'm tired of being treated like crap by "friends". I aim to surround myself with people I enjoy. Those that make me laugh or make me think critically. But I don't plan to get overly attached to those I know won't last.
I have recently made friendships that I would love to think would last a long time, but I don't see myself as being a doormat. If you cannot be a friend that appreciates me and treats me with the respect I deserve.... our relationship won't last and that won't bother me one bit.
You do what you want, I'll do what I want... if we do it together, then great!! If we don't.... oh well.
I can honestly say that there are a handful of people that I honestly miss from back home.
Are you one of them???????????
Damn Cold!!
So... it has been progressively getting colder and colder here in the orient. I have obviously noticed it getting colder. Yesterday it was about 50 degrees, which is close to the average temperature in AZ during the winter. I wasn't cold. This morning it was 19 degrees. Literally. I'm not exaggerating at all.
I'm not used to this type of weather. Whenever I go snowboarding I don't notice it being that cold, and I'm convinced it really isn't that cold.
This... is cold. Apparently it gets down to negative temperatures here soon, negative during the day!!
Oh...
My...
God...
Shoot me now.
I'm not used to this type of weather. Whenever I go snowboarding I don't notice it being that cold, and I'm convinced it really isn't that cold.
This... is cold. Apparently it gets down to negative temperatures here soon, negative during the day!!
Oh...
My...
God...
Shoot me now.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Wedding...
I'm pretty sure I'm going to be the last person on earth to get married.
Seems like this is the age everyone and their mother I went to HS and college with is getting hitched.
Ridiculous.
I'm not bitter at all.
Seems like this is the age everyone and their mother I went to HS and college with is getting hitched.
Ridiculous.
I'm not bitter at all.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Why run?
I have been asked many times why I came to Korea in the first place. My answer has always been the same..... "because I've always wanted to do this... to help people... to travel'. While this statement still rings true and always will... its not the only answer.
I have recently tried to look deeper into myself to find the real root of my unhappiness and to find out why I always run when things start to get complicated.
A couple things have made me realize the root of all evil in my life.... A friend recently opened up to me and I opened up to him. We discussed our shortcomings in friendships and the reality of our self-mutilation and self-hate. Another thing that opened my eyes was Sex and the City (cheesy, I know), but something Carrie said in the episode stuck with me for days. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was more screwed up than I had originally anticipated. Lastly.... the thing that always opens my heart and mind was music. I always can think more clearly when listening to it. I don't know why certain songs speak to me more loudly and far more clearly at certain junctures in my life. But at this point I have suddenly found a song that does.
A friend of mine has this song on his page... a friend I don't talk to nearly as much as I should. Its a song called "Ride" by the Cary Brothers. This group also has a song called the "Loneliest Girl in the World"....
that speaks volumes without me having to touch it at all.....
I constantly find myself in the midst of a bustling crowd...... standing still. This time the crowd is everyone I know. All my friends from high school and junior high. All the friends I have met since high school... all the people I once knew. All these people are swirling around me at faster and faster rates....
My problem in this life... the thing that drives me up a wall and drives me the most crazy is not another person... its myself.
I can no longer blame the world for the pain I feel everyday. I realize now that all this time I have been justifying my feelings by blaming them on someone else... by saying that someone else hurt me. When in reality the only person to blame is looking back at me in the mirror.
So... to answer the question... why do I run? why did I run to Korea?? Why am I going to run all over the world until the end??
Because I'm trying to escape me. I'm trying to escape the world I have made for myself. I'm trying to escape into another reality. While it is a good idea in theory to start completely over.... it didn't solve anything. Now I'm more alone than ever, which means I get to spend more time with myself.
I am jealous of the fact that all the people around me are happy. they are getting everything they deserve out of life and their ultimate happiness somehow conforms to bring down my happiness into a pit of self hatred and jealousy. I don't want to be jealous of those around me. At the same time, my whole life I have wanted to fall in love. I've been dreaming of the perfect wedding with the perfect man for my whole life.... and everyone around me is getting that..... everyone but me. I sit at home alone every night while the rest of the world goes around in their blissful coupledom.
I hate it.
Fuck it all.
Thats my opinion on it... I'm an angry single person who is sick and tired of pretending she's happy for the rest of the world.
I am determined from this point on, to honestly try and be happy and not let the fact that I'm alone mess with my fun and happiness. Life is too short to waste feeling like complete crap. I may end up alone, but thats ok, because back home I have friends who love me (who knows why...) and I have parents who love me despite everything I've done to try and fuck that up.... and I have a dog who cuddles when I'm cold and sad....
That's all I need.
I have recently tried to look deeper into myself to find the real root of my unhappiness and to find out why I always run when things start to get complicated.
A couple things have made me realize the root of all evil in my life.... A friend recently opened up to me and I opened up to him. We discussed our shortcomings in friendships and the reality of our self-mutilation and self-hate. Another thing that opened my eyes was Sex and the City (cheesy, I know), but something Carrie said in the episode stuck with me for days. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was more screwed up than I had originally anticipated. Lastly.... the thing that always opens my heart and mind was music. I always can think more clearly when listening to it. I don't know why certain songs speak to me more loudly and far more clearly at certain junctures in my life. But at this point I have suddenly found a song that does.
A friend of mine has this song on his page... a friend I don't talk to nearly as much as I should. Its a song called "Ride" by the Cary Brothers. This group also has a song called the "Loneliest Girl in the World"....
that speaks volumes without me having to touch it at all.....
I constantly find myself in the midst of a bustling crowd...... standing still. This time the crowd is everyone I know. All my friends from high school and junior high. All the friends I have met since high school... all the people I once knew. All these people are swirling around me at faster and faster rates....
My problem in this life... the thing that drives me up a wall and drives me the most crazy is not another person... its myself.
I can no longer blame the world for the pain I feel everyday. I realize now that all this time I have been justifying my feelings by blaming them on someone else... by saying that someone else hurt me. When in reality the only person to blame is looking back at me in the mirror.
So... to answer the question... why do I run? why did I run to Korea?? Why am I going to run all over the world until the end??
Because I'm trying to escape me. I'm trying to escape the world I have made for myself. I'm trying to escape into another reality. While it is a good idea in theory to start completely over.... it didn't solve anything. Now I'm more alone than ever, which means I get to spend more time with myself.
I am jealous of the fact that all the people around me are happy. they are getting everything they deserve out of life and their ultimate happiness somehow conforms to bring down my happiness into a pit of self hatred and jealousy. I don't want to be jealous of those around me. At the same time, my whole life I have wanted to fall in love. I've been dreaming of the perfect wedding with the perfect man for my whole life.... and everyone around me is getting that..... everyone but me. I sit at home alone every night while the rest of the world goes around in their blissful coupledom.
I hate it.
Fuck it all.
Thats my opinion on it... I'm an angry single person who is sick and tired of pretending she's happy for the rest of the world.
I am determined from this point on, to honestly try and be happy and not let the fact that I'm alone mess with my fun and happiness. Life is too short to waste feeling like complete crap. I may end up alone, but thats ok, because back home I have friends who love me (who knows why...) and I have parents who love me despite everything I've done to try and fuck that up.... and I have a dog who cuddles when I'm cold and sad....
That's all I need.
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