The Past

I look back on the past year with mixed feelings. So much has happened, good and bad, that has changed me forever.

I don't know whether I would change anything if I could... or if the results would be any different.

I would like to believe that someone out there somewhere has a plan for me that doesn't involve being used and abused by people. I'd like to believe that my life is meant to be extraordinary.

I graduated college in May, something I always wanted to accomplish and I worked hard for. There were times when I didn't think I would do it. I didn't think that I could make it. My mom freaked about my tattoos halfway through my junior year and I will admit.... I looked into how I could drop out. I stood outside the student services building for an hour... staring at it and imagining what life would be like. I didn't know how I would pay for my own college.... but I made the ultimate decision that I had worked too hard for 2.5 years, I wasn't going to throw that all away.

I did it. I graduated.

Once graduation was over, real life came and tried to break into my life. I warded it off for the summer.

I went on tour, Warped Tour 2008 and then Mayhem Tour. I had high hopes for this portion of my year. I had always wanted to go on tour and I was finally able to do it. Undoubtedly, most tour situations aren't perfect. Mine was less than perfect. I was treated incredibly bad by someone I considered to be a friend. Everything unraveled and I was done. I was dumped back into real life sooner than expected with less than a perfect plan of what to do now.

There I was... mid July with no job, no plans, nothing. I barely had an apartment. I barely had a life.

I went into 'Ms. Fix-It' mode. So many times in my life, another part of my personality has taken over my brain and my body. I am inside my head watching myself try and cope with the hand life dealt me. I tried to find a job, any job. I was a college graduate and I was applying to Hot Topic. I sent applications to every school district in the valley, including ones in other areas of Arizona where people sell sex to get AWAY from. I needed answers.

How was I supposed to get answers when I didn't even know the question?? Something made me leave parts of my applications blank. Some part of my other personality didn't want me to get those jobs. Something made me want to live in my fantasy world a little longer.

Don't get me wrong, I do not have multiple personalities, but sometimes parts of my one personality take over and lead me in certain directions.

I had always had this silly dream of going to another country and teaching english. After my summer of broken dreams I didn't think any of my dreams were worth pursuing anymore. I didn't think I had a realistic view of the world. I was a dreamer with a weird ability to get lucky and stumble across things that felt like answers to my dream.

I found myself in early August still without a job and quickly running out of money, not knowing what to do. Putting on a brave face for the people in my life when in reality my whole life and my soul was being sucked out of me. I was losing a battle I didn't even know I was fighting.

I got a call that answered my need for a job. Korea.

I ran away from the issues I wanted to pretend didn't exist. Here I am in Korea... trying to fix my psyche and my life. But in reality, I ran from those relationships that meant the most to me. They are dying everyday because I am not around to keep them alive.

I don't know what I'm doing when I get home in less than 9 months.

I wish I had some sort of life plan. This past year has completely ruined my idea of "life plans". I'm very aware that life plans don't always work out, but it comforted me that I had an idea of what I wanted to do in life. Now... I don't know. I don't have any idea what I want to do.

I'm happy here, finally. I don't want to stay here for longer than my year, but I'm afraid of what will happen when I'm no longer here....