I succumb... I am consumed.

"We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope."
Martin Luther King

"Fall seven times, stand up eight."
Japanese proverb

"The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests."
Epictetus

Throughout my life I have been blessed to have parents that take care of me and shield me from the hardships in life. I have since becoming an adult really had a fantastic life. I have never had financial hardships, I haven't had huge health issues. My life is fantastic. In the last 4 months everything has seemed to have bottomed out. All the dreams I had for myself have disappeared. I have lost hope in being able to fend for myself.
No matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to find employment with my degree, or without. Jobs that I could easily do, tell me that I am overqualified. I never knew that being educated could be such a deterant for employers. I was always told in school that going to college would open up so many more opportunities that may not have been available to me at that time. But yet... I find myself struggling in a Catch-22 situation. I went to college instead of finding a mindless job out of high school. I took the chance and gambled on myself. I graduated in 4 years without student loans. Now... I am unable to find even a part-time job.
I am hostessing at Sliders by Chase Field with my wonderful friend Kat, who is in the same boat as myself. What has my life come to that hostessing is the only job that I can get?? This is the job that I did when I was in high school: my first job. I have never been so ashamed in my ability or lack of ability, to provide for myself.
I have been able to afford my bills, rent, etc for this entire struggle that started in February of this year... until this month. After my last job closed (out of business) and getting this one that is only semi-part time, I am not making nearly enough money. For the first time in my life I cannot afford my credit card payments. Two of my three credit cards are understanding and are trying to work with me. The third, and the bank at which I have my few remaining dollars, is not so understanding. They harass me constantly, every 4 days to be exact. Trying to get me to give them $144 of my last $150 dollars. Which would leave me with $6.00 for my cell phone and cable bills. That wouldn't cover even half of those bills. What they do not understand is: I need both my cell phone and the internet to FIND a job in order to make the money to pay them.

I am just so defeated and I don't know what to do. I have cut myself off of so many of my friends because they don't understand. They don't try to understand, and why should they? They have jobs and are making fine money. I am just the loser friend who graduated college and is living day to day on very little money.
The only positive in this situation is that I've downed my food intake to 1 meal a day, if that... so I've lost an incredible amount of unneeded weight. I wish this was not the case, but unfortunately food is the first thing to go when you need to pay rent and have a place to live.

This is my life.

I am trying so hard to look to the future and think that things will improve soon and that I just have to get through the hard times. "Everyone goes through these hard times". I know. But I've never had to, so its new and really scary for me. I don't know where my next paycheck is coming from. I've applied to every job on the planet, some have gotten 2 applications from me because I don't remember if I've applied there yet. All I need is a break. And I can't seem to get one.

I just live day to day, plugging along, trying not to break down and fall into a deep depression that I know is pounding at the door. Complete and total sadness and failure is just mere minutes from overtaking my heart and soul, and it is all I can do to keep it from consuming me. Sometimes I want to let it consume me. I want to succumb to the blackness eating away at my heart and spirit. I have lost some of the spirit that I had, my ability to be happy in every situation and jokingly jolly all the time is gone. I am an empty shell of an individual.

I need.
I want.
I cry.
I bleed.

Sigh.

June

This month has been especially hard for me. The trials and tribulations that I've been put through have really tested my ability to survive the rough times.
I know that things can always be worse, but there are moments where things just seem to pile on top of one another until they cannot possible stay in balance. And then everything comes tumbling down. I'm currently waiting for everything to just come tumbling down on top of me.
In the past month I have found myself without a job, searching throughout the city for any job. Anything. I finally was able to get a job at a sushi restaurant, Tanked Fish because a friend of mine worked there. It wasn't my dream job, obviously, but a job is a job in this economy.

Things were going well for about a week. Then one day I was out to lunch/shopping with my friend Teresa and I started not being able to breathe. I couldn't seem to get a deep breath into my lungs. My tongue then started to swell up and my body was covered in hives. She rushed me to the ER where they immediately admitted me. I was surrounded my nurses sticking IVs into me and giving me shots and breathing tubes. It was terrifying.
I apparently had an anaphylactic allergic reaction. I could have died. The ER doctor was freaking out and kept telling me that I could die and they were doing everything for me that they could. He even told my mom that I could die. My mom said something about when I get better, and he says "you are assuming she's going to make it". I couldn't believe he said that to my mother.
Then I got to stay in the ICU unit overnight with all the people that they thought were going to die at any moment. I was apparently at that high of a risk of relapsing. Probably the scariest day of my life.
When I was finally released from the hospital I had to get what is called an Epipen. Basically I have to carry this thing around with me everywhere just in case this shock happens again. Because if it happens again, I will only have a mere 3 minutes to inject myself before I die. So this Epipen has to be with me everywhere I go for the rest of my life. (Not my idea of fun).
Things finally were going ok because I was out of the hospital. Whew. life was good.

Then I started to get sick again. My throat closed up only 5 days after I left the hospital. I went to urgent care and turns out I had a severe case of strep throat. Wtf?

Among all the little shitty things that have happened in the midst of all of this, I just don't know how I've managed to keep going and keep smiling.

Then today I was sitting at my apartment thinking about how I was finally feeling a little better. I could breathe. It didn't hurt like hell to swallow...

And I get a call on my phone, goes to voicemail. I listen to it. It is Tanked Fish. They are 'letting me go'. Tanked Fish is owned by the same people that own the neighboring restaurant Madi G's. Madi G's is always empty of customers. So they are selling Madi G's to someone which means they have to close it down. All of the people that work at Madi G's are being transferred over to Tanked Fish. Unfortunately that means there are TONS more people at Tanked than they need. So they started firing people from the bottom up. Which means me.

So I've been in the hospital twice, gotten countless meds, been fired... wtf else can go wrong? And this has all happened between June 5th and today, June 17th. 12 days. I can't believe it.

I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want the month to end. I can't take much more.

13th Tattoo....

Ok, so as you all know, or should know, I have 12 tattoos. I do not intend to have 12 tattoos forever. I intend to get one more and make it an uneven 13.
13 being my lucky number and my obsession, the pressure has been put on me to make this tattoo something really amazing.
I think I have come up with the perfect idea. I have yet to make it exactly what I want it to be... but that will be between me and Manuel, my super sexy tattoo artist. :)
The unveiling will come later... once I get it.

The one clue I can give you is:


Stay Tuned...

Dating: No pansies allowed

It's so funny how things go so wrong so quickly.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't really date.... I didn't have the time or the energy to 'meet someone' for so long. I guess in a way this hurt me. I have no prior experience to reference when I'm having issues in my current dating life.

The following.... frustrate me.

1. When a girl likes you, she usually makes it pretty obvious. How hard is it to be straightforward back to her? If you don't like her... be a man and say that things aren't going to work out so that she can move on.

2. When you DO like a girl, don't ignore her. Why is it that guys think that texting/calling someone like once a week is ok?? It's not too much to ask for you to touch base with me.

3. When major life events occur... tell the girl you are dating. When you graduate from college, regardless of what 'level' or 'degree/certificate' you are getting... it would be nice to know.

4. Don't tell a girl you are 'busy' then the next minute talk about how you watched basketball all day or played poker all night. Thats not busy, thats 'I don't want to see you right now... I want some dude time'.

5. When you have not seen the girl you are 'sleeping with!!' for almost 2 weeks, she gets restless... testy and not gonna lie.... a little pissed off. Don't wait that long to see her... she moves on. (I have a date Friday. jerk)

6. Don't act like the world knows your work schedule... let me know when you are available to hang out... and by that I obviously mean... ACTUALLY LET ME KNOW!!

God, I hate guys.

I will be adding more to this as my dating life progresses.... because as we ALL KNOW... Katie will not be getting married anytime soon.

Julie and I want to start a blog completely based on this idea... that dating really sucks... and awesome girls get stuck at home on Friday nights because idiot guys don't THINK about calling them. Yea... call us. We sometimes want to see you. Who knows... you may actually get laid. Girls have hormones too you fuckers.

Coming soon to a garage near you...

So, my uncle (the only real uncle I have in my uber small, yet ridiculously awesome family...) has owned this car for a really long time. I have always loved this particular car. Its a freaking classic. People all over the world are obsessed. It is an ICON of the 1980s.

My uncle has lived overseas since 1985, the year I was born. he has owned this car since 1981... and since 1985 it has sat in a garage... not being appreciated for the awesomeness that it is.

I am determined to own this car someday.



FUCK YEA!

BACK TO THE FUTURE BABY!!

I have big plans for this car. Can you imagine how AWESOME riding up in this car would be?? Bring along a little dry ice for the 'just got back from 1955' look.

Epic.

Parents just don't understand

Parents are the strangest phenomenon in this whole world. I just don't understand what drives them to do and say what they things they do/say. I wish that for ONE day I could understand their motives and then maybe I wouldn't be so broken hearted all the time when they treat me like a leper.

All I want is to be loved by my parents and not have it be conditional love. But it never has been that way and it never will change. I will never stack up to their perfect picture of what their family SHOULD be if I hadn't ruined it.

No, I didn't ever do anything in my childhood, young adult life that would warrant this feeling. I am just non-conservative and have different ideas of the world. I am still goal oriented and a successful individual. I never did drugs and I'm not a slut who sleeps around and has 12 kids by the age of 23. I don't do any of these things. I've never been arrested, I've never murdered someone and gotten away with it. I haven't done anything that people would consider to be BAD.

My only crime?? Being different. I still graduated from college in 4 years. I did well and went into a profession that is admirable. My mom is a teacher, she should understand this. I love my job and wish to be a teacher for quite some time. I give a lot of my free time to the track team because I love it. I could be doing way worse things with my life. Yes... I'm having issues finding a job since I got back from Korea... but this is not my fault. It isn't like I haven't TRIED to find a job. I've applied for literally everything. In fact... I've applied for jobs that I never wanted to do. I had to really suck up my pride and apply for jobs at Home Depot, Sports Authority, etc. I don't want to work at these places BECAUSE I could have worked at them without the degree I now possess. BUT, life is what it is. And you have to do what you can to make things work.

But do I have my parents love and acceptance?? Nope. Sure don't. They have started a new trend as of late where they invite my brother to dinner or lunch and they don't invite me. I find out about it LATER. And it hurts me every time. They know I don't have plans and if I did, they just have to text and find out. But they don't.

Is it so wrong that I want to be included in my family?

I have received much advice on this subject and I have been leaning toward just cutting them out of my life for a period of time so I can take a break from the constant hurt that they subject me to. I've never done this in the past because I always convince myself that I am the one at fault and that I am being a bad daughter by fighting with them and trying to defend myself. I'm so finished though. It's getting too painful to keep going.

This day, April 5th, marks the beginning of the end. I'm tired of being treated like I am some crack addict who steals money from her family and sleeps on their driveway.

I'm too good for this shit.

I am so murdered...

This post is for Mallory. Cause she's the only one that apparently reads my blogs with any amount of regularity.

This is cause you need a life Mallory....

just kidding. :)

I am home and have been for a month. It's awesome. I still don't have a job, but WHO CARES.

Soon... we will be having a 80's prom party... April 18th.

Hmm... thats about it. I will blog again when I actually have something to write about. Haha.

Home

Yea... So I decided that Korea just totally blew.

And that I was better off coming home before I left a lung on the sidewalk of the most polluted country in the world.

So, I've been home for a little over a week now. I love it and am happy to be here.

I have the most amazing friends, especially Kat. Kat opened up her home to me until I get my own place. She gave me my own room and made it the most comfortable stay ever.

I love Kat and will never be able to express how thankful I am to have such wonderful friends in life.


The weather here is way different than the weather in Korea. In korea its about 10 degrees and here in AZ it is about 80 degrees. HUGE difference. I love not having to wear knee high socks and 12 jackets everyday. AWESOME!!

I've already been coaching track for a week and I love it. The kids are great, as always, and the new kids are warming up to me quickly. The coaches are mostly the same as last year and I'm glad. We have a great time and the season is always so much fun.

I have an apartment that I get to move into on.... Saturday Feb 28th!! I can't wait. Its SUCH a nice apartment and crazy cheap considering how nice it is and how nice of a neighborhood it is in. AND!! I can walk to a taco bell, its just that close!

Perfect.

I'm moving in with my friend Julie who was, once upon a time, my labpartner in freakin astronomy. Now we can hang and talk about stars and the solar system.... NOT! I dont' think that either one of us learned much in that class except not to take a class that STARTS at 8:40pm.




Life is good.

Stuff

A few friends of mine have been begging me to come home. I love my friends dearly and it definitely makes me feel loved and wanted when they do that.

At the same time it makes it 100x harder to stay when I already WANT to go home and then have people asking me to do so.

I looked up flights today just to be curious about how much it would be....

I found two flights that are right after payday in February and one in March that are only 500 bucks.

Thats crazy cheap. It was more expensive for me to go to Thailand!

I don't want to be tempted, but I really am.




I just wish my parents were more supportive of me making that decision if thats what is best for me. They never support me.

Looking back on 2008

I would have to say 2008 was an 'interesting' year.

All years of life are full of their share of ups and downs. 2008 seemed to be full of more than the previous 2.

I guess my 'good luck' was meant to take a dip eventually.

But don't worry... the rock star lifestyle will never end. This is my life and I love every minute of it.

I met some truly amazing people this year that will always be lifelong friends despite the distance that comes between us due to location in this world.

I have lost some friends this year, but I have come to realize that those friends I lost are users and abusers and its just as well that I lost them. I'm better off in the end without them. I can make it on my own.

I have come to appreciate my family more than I have ever in my life. Its shocking how sudden freedom college can bring and also a sudden closeness with family. I'm close with them now because I want to be, not because I have to be. They don't pay for anything anymore, I'm truly on my own, which has enabled me to find my true self and reveal it to them.

___________________

--I started off the year on the strip of Vegas with Kristen and some other random rocker friends. Then I got a horseshoe tattoo on a coffee table in a vegas hotel room.

--I entered my last semester of college and went into student teaching and had the time of my life. I will never forget that semester. SO much fun and SO much work.

--I coached track for the first time ever and coached a hurdler all the way to state for his first time. I feel very accomplished about that even though he did most of the work.

--I graduated from college.

--I got my teaching certificate

--I went on Warped tour

--I went on Mayhem tour

--I lived in a RV and then in a 12 passenger van for the entire summer

--I almost lost a friend who means more to me than most anything in this world because I can be a testy biatch. Thankfully he and I are still golden. I love him more than family.

--I moved to Korea for one year and became a Kindergarten teacher.... thus testing my ability to survive without anyone to fall back on.

--I went to Japan in October

--I went to Thailand for Christmas.



What will 2009 bring??