Home

Yea... So I decided that Korea just totally blew.

And that I was better off coming home before I left a lung on the sidewalk of the most polluted country in the world.

So, I've been home for a little over a week now. I love it and am happy to be here.

I have the most amazing friends, especially Kat. Kat opened up her home to me until I get my own place. She gave me my own room and made it the most comfortable stay ever.

I love Kat and will never be able to express how thankful I am to have such wonderful friends in life.


The weather here is way different than the weather in Korea. In korea its about 10 degrees and here in AZ it is about 80 degrees. HUGE difference. I love not having to wear knee high socks and 12 jackets everyday. AWESOME!!

I've already been coaching track for a week and I love it. The kids are great, as always, and the new kids are warming up to me quickly. The coaches are mostly the same as last year and I'm glad. We have a great time and the season is always so much fun.

I have an apartment that I get to move into on.... Saturday Feb 28th!! I can't wait. Its SUCH a nice apartment and crazy cheap considering how nice it is and how nice of a neighborhood it is in. AND!! I can walk to a taco bell, its just that close!

Perfect.

I'm moving in with my friend Julie who was, once upon a time, my labpartner in freakin astronomy. Now we can hang and talk about stars and the solar system.... NOT! I dont' think that either one of us learned much in that class except not to take a class that STARTS at 8:40pm.




Life is good.

Stuff

A few friends of mine have been begging me to come home. I love my friends dearly and it definitely makes me feel loved and wanted when they do that.

At the same time it makes it 100x harder to stay when I already WANT to go home and then have people asking me to do so.

I looked up flights today just to be curious about how much it would be....

I found two flights that are right after payday in February and one in March that are only 500 bucks.

Thats crazy cheap. It was more expensive for me to go to Thailand!

I don't want to be tempted, but I really am.




I just wish my parents were more supportive of me making that decision if thats what is best for me. They never support me.

Looking back on 2008

I would have to say 2008 was an 'interesting' year.

All years of life are full of their share of ups and downs. 2008 seemed to be full of more than the previous 2.

I guess my 'good luck' was meant to take a dip eventually.

But don't worry... the rock star lifestyle will never end. This is my life and I love every minute of it.

I met some truly amazing people this year that will always be lifelong friends despite the distance that comes between us due to location in this world.

I have lost some friends this year, but I have come to realize that those friends I lost are users and abusers and its just as well that I lost them. I'm better off in the end without them. I can make it on my own.

I have come to appreciate my family more than I have ever in my life. Its shocking how sudden freedom college can bring and also a sudden closeness with family. I'm close with them now because I want to be, not because I have to be. They don't pay for anything anymore, I'm truly on my own, which has enabled me to find my true self and reveal it to them.

___________________

--I started off the year on the strip of Vegas with Kristen and some other random rocker friends. Then I got a horseshoe tattoo on a coffee table in a vegas hotel room.

--I entered my last semester of college and went into student teaching and had the time of my life. I will never forget that semester. SO much fun and SO much work.

--I coached track for the first time ever and coached a hurdler all the way to state for his first time. I feel very accomplished about that even though he did most of the work.

--I graduated from college.

--I got my teaching certificate

--I went on Warped tour

--I went on Mayhem tour

--I lived in a RV and then in a 12 passenger van for the entire summer

--I almost lost a friend who means more to me than most anything in this world because I can be a testy biatch. Thankfully he and I are still golden. I love him more than family.

--I moved to Korea for one year and became a Kindergarten teacher.... thus testing my ability to survive without anyone to fall back on.

--I went to Japan in October

--I went to Thailand for Christmas.



What will 2009 bring??

Happy Crappy New Year

Woo. Here I sit, feeling like I got run over by a semi 12 times.... New Years Eve

What a joy. Here in Korea, they don't believe in having a healthy number of days off... no no. We get the 1st off. Then we have to go back to work for ONE DAY on the 2nd. So stupid.



Nothing is more fun than sitting alone in your apartment, thinking about how you are thousands of miles away from ANYONE moderately important.... And sick.



Fun.

Happy fucking new year.

Jizz In my Pants

This song/video makes me laugh hysterically every time.

Kristen and Mike kept making the face at me that he does at 00:30. I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard.

I Jizz In My Pants


I love it.

No one.

I get the distinct impression in life that no one really knows me. I don't know if this is because I have a permanent wall up that doesn't allow people in, or if it is because people around me just don't bother. I think its a little of both.

Recently I tried to bring to the attention of a friend that she was hurting another friend. I don't intentionally hurt people. Sometimes what I can say is harsh.....

My friend Ashley said in high school when I asked her to describe me for my senior project... "Katie can sometimes be harsh, but she always means well and you know she really cares...".

I don't know why, but that really stuck with me. Never a truer statement of me. I can definitely be harsh. I have a filter, and thank god I do... cause things I COULD say are far worse than what I really do say.

In this situation I tried to be diplomatic and not hurtful. I thought I did good until things started to get personal towards me and started to hurt me.

No, I haven't had a terrible life. I had parents who loved me and provided for me. But thats the only real relationship in my life that hasn't absolutely destroyed me. My own grandparents told me to my face that they didn't consider me their grandchild. I was just a replacement for my dad's other kids. That hurt but not as bad as being disowned by 4 aunts and an uncle, a grandmother, grandfather, cousins, etc etc. That was the worst part. It was almost like they all died. But I put on a brave face and started to build this permanent sky-high wall I have surrounding me.

Other events in life have turned me into this... and when I finally thought I had made friends who might make the effort to know the real me... they write me off because I had the nerve to be blunt.



My definition of friendship is to be real, honest and good. I don't fake with friends. If something has hurt me, I say it.

I can't believe no one in life really knows me.

Wanderlust

Should I join the peace corps when I get home? I considered this as a possibility before I came to Korea.

Should I move to LA and pursue my dreams?

Should I get my TESOL certificate and move to Greece?

Should I stay put and work as a teacher for a couple years at my beloved McClintock High?

Should I do none of the above and live in my parents house for the rest of my youth?

Should I fix up my car and live in that for the next 10 years as I wander across the U.S. experiencing the life I've been given?

___________

I have been given a newfound sense of self and purpose. I don't know why it came now, all of a sudden. I came to a realization on friday after the horrid OPEN CLASS here in Korea. I realized that I don't hate this country. In fact, I am enjoying myself here. I can only imagine all the stories I will have by the time I go to leave home. Every day here is a new adventure.

Today I am going to get my first haircut in Korea. That should be interesting, for sure.

I have come to the conclusion that life is way too short.

I find it frustrating that I don't know what I'm going to do next. The past year made me realize that while I want certain things, those things aren't always for me. I hated how things turned out, but sometimes you can't stop things from turning out a certain way.

I haven't thought about the one who broke my heart as often in the last few days as I usually have. Rachel would be proud of me, she always yelled at me for giving him so much of myself when he didn't deserve me in the first place. I don't know why I dedicate so much of myself to certain people or things.

I am loyal... thats for sure.

But I think its a great sign that I haven't thought about him as much. I could really use a break from him and the thoughts of him that bring me such heartache.


WOOO

Today is a good day even though I'm tired.

The Past

I look back on the past year with mixed feelings. So much has happened, good and bad, that has changed me forever.

I don't know whether I would change anything if I could... or if the results would be any different.

I would like to believe that someone out there somewhere has a plan for me that doesn't involve being used and abused by people. I'd like to believe that my life is meant to be extraordinary.

I graduated college in May, something I always wanted to accomplish and I worked hard for. There were times when I didn't think I would do it. I didn't think that I could make it. My mom freaked about my tattoos halfway through my junior year and I will admit.... I looked into how I could drop out. I stood outside the student services building for an hour... staring at it and imagining what life would be like. I didn't know how I would pay for my own college.... but I made the ultimate decision that I had worked too hard for 2.5 years, I wasn't going to throw that all away.

I did it. I graduated.

Once graduation was over, real life came and tried to break into my life. I warded it off for the summer.

I went on tour, Warped Tour 2008 and then Mayhem Tour. I had high hopes for this portion of my year. I had always wanted to go on tour and I was finally able to do it. Undoubtedly, most tour situations aren't perfect. Mine was less than perfect. I was treated incredibly bad by someone I considered to be a friend. Everything unraveled and I was done. I was dumped back into real life sooner than expected with less than a perfect plan of what to do now.

There I was... mid July with no job, no plans, nothing. I barely had an apartment. I barely had a life.

I went into 'Ms. Fix-It' mode. So many times in my life, another part of my personality has taken over my brain and my body. I am inside my head watching myself try and cope with the hand life dealt me. I tried to find a job, any job. I was a college graduate and I was applying to Hot Topic. I sent applications to every school district in the valley, including ones in other areas of Arizona where people sell sex to get AWAY from. I needed answers.

How was I supposed to get answers when I didn't even know the question?? Something made me leave parts of my applications blank. Some part of my other personality didn't want me to get those jobs. Something made me want to live in my fantasy world a little longer.

Don't get me wrong, I do not have multiple personalities, but sometimes parts of my one personality take over and lead me in certain directions.

I had always had this silly dream of going to another country and teaching english. After my summer of broken dreams I didn't think any of my dreams were worth pursuing anymore. I didn't think I had a realistic view of the world. I was a dreamer with a weird ability to get lucky and stumble across things that felt like answers to my dream.

I found myself in early August still without a job and quickly running out of money, not knowing what to do. Putting on a brave face for the people in my life when in reality my whole life and my soul was being sucked out of me. I was losing a battle I didn't even know I was fighting.

I got a call that answered my need for a job. Korea.

I ran away from the issues I wanted to pretend didn't exist. Here I am in Korea... trying to fix my psyche and my life. But in reality, I ran from those relationships that meant the most to me. They are dying everyday because I am not around to keep them alive.

I don't know what I'm doing when I get home in less than 9 months.

I wish I had some sort of life plan. This past year has completely ruined my idea of "life plans". I'm very aware that life plans don't always work out, but it comforted me that I had an idea of what I wanted to do in life. Now... I don't know. I don't have any idea what I want to do.

I'm happy here, finally. I don't want to stay here for longer than my year, but I'm afraid of what will happen when I'm no longer here....

Give Thanks, then get off the shitter....

I feel that I should keep up with my yearly tradition of making a blog about what and who I am thankful for. I haven't actually taken the time recently to be thankful for much. I really should rethink that and be more thankful for the gifts in life.

I'm growing increasingly cynical by the day. I think I am negative and cynical and pessimistic by nature.... its in my genes (maybe in my jeans? haha) its in my blood. Whatever. Even cynical people know what to be thankful for and what to not be thankful for. ...

__________________________________

I'm thankful for my parents. This is the first time in a long time that I have included them on my list of things to be thankful for. Mostly because we have been clashing in recent years, as most parents do with their rebellious child. They have been surprisingly supportive of my decision to come to Korea. I was expecting, my mom especially, to flip her lid. I thought she would cry and beg me to stay home and accuse me of trying to break up the family. That wasn't the case. They helped me prepare to go, and they saw me off at the airport. I'm not even going to say they were glad to get rid of me, because if that were the case, my mom wouldn't be so diligent about emailing me daily. I love and appreciate their emails that they send me. It gives me something to look forward to during the hard days at my job. Whenever I feel down, I look at my inbox, and there's another email from my mom. And she went through all the trouble of making me a felt Christmas tree to hang in my apartment along with wrapped gifts. I am so thankful and I owe them a lot in life. I'm only beginning to realize this.

I'm thankful for my brother Steve. He and I spent many years fighting a losing battle against each other. Neither one was ever meant to win, and neither was meant to lose. It was just incredibly stupid to ever think we needed to fight. For a year or so after he graduated college I struggled to formulate a relationship with him. I always enjoyed him in that year, but he was never as open with me as I felt he should be. I'm an open book and I know most people are not. I appreciate Steve for being solid and unchanging. My parents needed someone like him while I was out and about doing things that disappointed them. I appreciate that now that he is older he is able to appreciate the wild side of me. He sees the humor in my personality and we are able to get along so much better now than we ever have.

I am thankful for my GMA. She may be crazy and we might fight like dogs sometimes, but she has always been there for me. When the rest of my grandparents gave up on my brother and I, she stood by us. She's always been there and despite all her crazy antics, she is an amazing individual.

I am thankful for my friends back home... I have so many I want to thank, but I don't want to write for forever.

So I'm going to thank them in a short message

Theresa-- for being there for me like any sister should be. I may not be related, but I've always felt like I was. You welcomed me into your life and home and you have always been there for me when I need someone to talk to or someone to hang out with and do nothing. You are hilariously funny and half the time you don't even know it. Your heart is so huge that I'm shocked you can even fit it in your chest. You care so much about other people that there is rarely room to care about yourself. I appreciate so much of what you have done for me and my friends over the years. I know we will be friends forever.

Bekah-- Despite the fact that we rarely see each other anymore, you have provided me with the security in myself to be who I should be. No one else has made me realize that I am perfectly great the way I am. You brought me to life all those years ago and no one can take that from you. You are the best thing that has happened to me in my life in so many ways and you will always own a piece of my heart.

Caitlin-- Even though we haven't known each other long, you have opened my eyes to a whole other world. You have brought out the emotional side in me. I side I have tried so hard to bury. You made me FEEL again. You showed me that it was ok to cry. You showed me what true friendship is all about. You seem to know when I'm down and you are willing to drive to the ends of the earth for me. No one has been a truer friend. You and Paul showed me what true love despite all costs really looks like. I will never let you forget that you guys are the couple that renewed my belief in true love.

Rachel-- For opening up to me and letting me into your life. You are a truly amazing person who means more to me than I ever imagined. You have a sarcastic sense of humor which compliments my own. You aren't afraid to be who you are and believe what you want to believe. You made me think hard about what I believed in and learn to defend them regardless of the situation.

Kat-- You are an extremely positive influence on my life. You made me realize that its ok to be honest with yourself about your religion and beliefs. I tried for so long to be this girl who doesn't talk about religion. You made me realize that its ok to be open about it and still have friends who don't believe it. I was always scared that people would run away if they found out I had things I believed in. You are an extremely strong person and no one makes me laugh til I cannot breathe like you do.

Jeremy-- Even though we have had some world famous fights... if fights could go super sonic, ours would have been nuclear. I think part of the reason I get so mad at you is because I love you. I cannot stand the idea that you and I would not be friends at some point. There was not a day during our fight that I didn't think of you and hope that things would get fixed at some point. I'm so thankful that things are better between us. You make me laugh so hard at the stupidest things. I can be my silly self around you and you never think I'm being weird and dumb. You give the best bear hugs and even when you shove me into closets, I know that you care about me too. You're the best

I miss you all everyday.

There are tons of other people I would love to thank, but this list is getting out of hand.

Lastly I want to thank my coworkers

When I came to Korea, I came here alone. I had no one. There is no doubt in my mind that I would have failed here if it wasn't for my coworkers. Mike took me under his wing and helped me figure things out. He's my sounding board for all things that piss me off. Because there's a good chance those same things have pissed him off. He's my favorite "Negative Nancy". Christine has been more helpful than she ever needed to be. She helped me figure out everything that I needed to do at the school. Without her I would have floundered on many occasions. She supported me and gave me the necessary tools to be successful in this school. Erik... eternally optimistic and cheerful Erik. I have nicknamed him "Fuzzy". Not only does that describe his hair and beard, but it describes his personality well. He's the type of guy that is always happy. Even if he is upset by something, he manages to not be mad at people uninvolved in the situation. He is always good for a laugh or a sarcastic remark. The most random things happen to him and he takes it all in stride. Michelle... my fellow Phoenix, AZ pal. We have this unspoken bond that dates back to the moment we met in the airport. There is no one that knows you better than someone who cried with you within 3 minutes of meeting. She makes me laugh constantly and she takes everything in stride. She laughs loudly when she finds things funny, and she's comfortable with herself. I appreciate people who can be completely honest about who they are. Kristen.... has been one of the greatest people recently. She was my first official friend in Korea. She showed me around and we had a lot of great times together. When I didn't have internet she let me come us hers every night if I wanted. I will definitely miss her when she leaves in 3 weeks.


Thats about it.

I'm thankful for the U.S. and home. Everyday I am more and more thankful

I'm especially thankful for music. I wouldn't make it through daily life without it. It drowns out the voices in my head that drive me crazy day by day. If not for music I wouldn't be here today. It has brought me inner peace.

I laughed so hard I cried...

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