I have been asked many times why I came to Korea in the first place. My answer has always been the same..... "because I've always wanted to do this... to help people... to travel'. While this statement still rings true and always will... its not the only answer.
I have recently tried to look deeper into myself to find the real root of my unhappiness and to find out why I always run when things start to get complicated.
A couple things have made me realize the root of all evil in my life.... A friend recently opened up to me and I opened up to him. We discussed our shortcomings in friendships and the reality of our self-mutilation and self-hate. Another thing that opened my eyes was Sex and the City (cheesy, I know), but something Carrie said in the episode stuck with me for days. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was more screwed up than I had originally anticipated. Lastly.... the thing that always opens my heart and mind was music. I always can think more clearly when listening to it. I don't know why certain songs speak to me more loudly and far more clearly at certain junctures in my life. But at this point I have suddenly found a song that does.
A friend of mine has this song on his page... a friend I don't talk to nearly as much as I should. Its a song called "Ride" by the Cary Brothers. This group also has a song called the "Loneliest Girl in the World"....
that speaks volumes without me having to touch it at all.....
I constantly find myself in the midst of a bustling crowd...... standing still. This time the crowd is everyone I know. All my friends from high school and junior high. All the friends I have met since high school... all the people I once knew. All these people are swirling around me at faster and faster rates....
My problem in this life... the thing that drives me up a wall and drives me the most crazy is not another person... its myself.
I can no longer blame the world for the pain I feel everyday. I realize now that all this time I have been justifying my feelings by blaming them on someone else... by saying that someone else hurt me. When in reality the only person to blame is looking back at me in the mirror.
So... to answer the question... why do I run? why did I run to Korea?? Why am I going to run all over the world until the end??
Because I'm trying to escape me. I'm trying to escape the world I have made for myself. I'm trying to escape into another reality. While it is a good idea in theory to start completely over.... it didn't solve anything. Now I'm more alone than ever, which means I get to spend more time with myself.
I am jealous of the fact that all the people around me are happy. they are getting everything they deserve out of life and their ultimate happiness somehow conforms to bring down my happiness into a pit of self hatred and jealousy. I don't want to be jealous of those around me. At the same time, my whole life I have wanted to fall in love. I've been dreaming of the perfect wedding with the perfect man for my whole life.... and everyone around me is getting that..... everyone but me. I sit at home alone every night while the rest of the world goes around in their blissful coupledom.
I hate it.
Fuck it all.
Thats my opinion on it... I'm an angry single person who is sick and tired of pretending she's happy for the rest of the world.
I am determined from this point on, to honestly try and be happy and not let the fact that I'm alone mess with my fun and happiness. Life is too short to waste feeling like complete crap. I may end up alone, but thats ok, because back home I have friends who love me (who knows why...) and I have parents who love me despite everything I've done to try and fuck that up.... and I have a dog who cuddles when I'm cold and sad....
That's all I need.
A closer look into the mind of a wanderer and perpetual dreamer.
About Me
Stalker?? I'll make it easy.
Musical hands....
Alone in a black hole
1 comment:
Interesting blog and outlook.
I believe that the feelings you describe are present to a greater or lesser degree in most everyone. It seems to be our plight as a society to be intensely dissatisfied with ourselves.
And even though many people feel just this way, the public discussion of the mechanism in society that fosters this feeling is, to put it mildly, taboo.
I can guarantee that most everyone I have ever met that clams to be content and happy with themselves is a liar. Anyone who has even the slightest amount of imagination or soul thought that somehow, someway, they were going to do great things, be more than what they are now. Most of us, me included, will try to tell themselves that those big dreams and big ideas were the product of childish fantasy... And yet we never get past the idea that had we done something different, we would have reached those lofty goals. In short, we always imagined ourselves to be somehow "more" than we actually are, and as we grow into the realization that we are not, the feeling of self-dissatisfaction is intensified.
Post a Comment