Cigarettes and a Smile

I always have this certain person on my mind.... Always. Not a moment goes by where he isn't at the back of my mind.... lurking. Fucking with my reality. Fucking with my life. Fucking with my emotions.

I am spun into chaos every time I take the time to actually dwell on him. Most of the time, it's just a passing thought about something funny he did, or something silly he said or something fantastically annoying he did. Usually its a fleeting thought.... I try not to spend too much time on it. I have tried beyond belief to just.... get over it. To grow up and stop being a foolish girl. I don't want to love him.

I want to be heartless. I want to be callous. I want to be able to just say "screw him.... I am over it". But I can't. I have never had such a hard obstacle to overcome. I've always been able to eventually see the flaws in those that I think that I 'love'. I am not a stupid girl. I'm not the girl to fall head over heels. I'm the girl with a solid head on her shoulders. I'm the girl who people come to for advice because I'm logical. I'm the girl that people seem to believe doesn't want to ever get married. I'm the girl that is wild and free like wild horses... running free. I'm not the girl who gets strapped down. I'm not the girl who sells her heart on the black market for cigarettes and a smile. I so badly just want to get on with my life and not have him lurking there, reminding me of what a silly girl I am.

When I do take the time to really dwell on him, attempting to come up with flaws that will make me not love him. That will make my brain wake up from this love-sick slumber and say "what the hell is your deal?? You are especially retarded today". But no.... thats not the plan for me. Fate has once again decided that I'm going to be a love-sick puppy for eternity. When I think about his eyes I die a little inside from the fact that he is not here with me. When I think of his smile, crooked teeth and gold caps I laugh a little inside because his imperfections are what makes him beautiful. When I think of his smell I cannot think of anything more perfect in the world...... Then I get angry at myself because I'm so stupid to be in love.

I love who I am turning out to be in my later years of life.... (22 is so old, I know). But I do not think I'm good enough for him. I'm not perfect. Yes, he has imperfections, but I have emotional scars that run deeper than any physical flaw (and I have a few of those too).

I hate feeling inadequate.

blah.






my flowers are starting to grow beautifully. I cannot wait for them to get bigger. Too bad I won't be here in a month.

I'll be off somewhere in never-never land trying to regain my sanity and figure ME out.