Completely Lost my Mind

I haven't been able to sleep much recently. Actually... I've probably slept about 10 hours in the last 3 days. Just enough to keep me from hallucinations. It isn't for lack of trying. Trust me, I don't want to not be sleeping. I love sleep and there is very little on this earth that I love more than my bed. But... every time I get into bed, my mind goes 100 miles an hour and I can't make it stop. I cannot seem to shut it down or slow it to a pace that allows for sleep. I'm surprisingly not as frustrated about my predicament as I thought I would be. I have a lot to think about. The last two weeks have been... eventful. A lot has been slapped on my plate, and shoved down my throat. I have a lot of things to consider. A lot of choices to make. A lot of things to plan.

I never have a concrete plan in life. I've always thought that that was one of my faults. That I SHOULD have a plan. I should know where I'm going. I should be prepared. I should be a certain way. This all comes from the upbringing I had. My brother knew he was going to be a computer engineer from the time he could walk. He loved computers. All that crap is his passion. He's good at it. He's now an engineer.... I never was one to plan. I tried. I tried to decide what I wanted to do in life at an early age. It only screwed me up more to try to do that. I never knew when I was younger that people don't all make plans. That all people don't know what they want to do with life. In fact, thats something that very few people actually know when they are kids.

So when I decided that I wanted to be a business major it seemed like the obvious choice. It was stable. I could make my mom proud and I could make money. Lots of it (in theory). I was only interested in money. Then I realized after almost 2 years in the business school at ASU that I was miserable. I hated my classes. I hated my classmates. I hated my life. I couldn't take the monotony of accounting 230 anymore. It was driving me insane. The numbers were jumping off the face and kicking me with their little number feet.... all over my body. It was like spiders crawling all over me, except it was numbers. I couldn't take it. I was either going to continue and be miserable and jump off a high rise in my business suit at 30, or I was going to get the hell out.

I got out.

I then found myself out in the middle of a crowd with the world spinning around me. I didn't know what to do. My "perfect plan" didn't work out. I was lost. Confused. Happy. I felt like a convict finally released from jail. I could smell the fresh air, the wind on my face, the laughter around me of my fellow students. I walked across campus and changed my major that day to history and education.

Now. I love history. And I love teaching (who woulda thought?? me... a teacher!!). But I still don't have that feeling of comfort and security that I feel I should have. I'm a wanderer. I love to just fly somewhere and meet new people... experience life, love and pain. I love to test myself by putting myself in situations that are not comfortable. I am a strong person because of the past adventures I have gone through.

In the back of my mind lies that little comfort bug. The one that is dying rapidly because I lack security in my life. I don't know if I WANT security. I don't know what I want anymore. I think that I want something, but when I get it, I'm looking on to the next thing. I don't know what will quench my thirst. When will it end?? There has to be a point that I get to where there isn't a "whats next". There has to be a point where there is a "this is it.... the end of the line". But when?? What kind of a place will I be in at that point.

I'm going off to Korea in a month. One month. Its the most... shocking thing that has happened to me in a long time. But with everything that has happened this week... I don't know how to deal.

I lost one of my best friends because he wasn't who I thought he was.... I don't think I ever knew him at all. I'm still heartbroken about that and I don't think that piece of me will be healed. Ever. My mom told me something heartbreaking as well that I feel shattered a portion of my childhood. I look back on my life and there are times when what she told me.... came into question and she lied. To her young child. She lied. I don't know if I'll ever be able to cope with that. I love my mom and always will. I hope that she and I can finally have a relationship where I can talk to her. I hope. Someday. But I still don't feel that comfort... that security... that I should feel when talking to my mom. It's not there. I want to be able to talk to her like a daughter should be able to talk to her mother. I should be able to talk to her without fear of judgment or retribution. But I feel more comfortable talking to the teller at the bank about life than I do my mom. Hopefully overtime this will change.

I'm moving to Korea and I'm terrified. I've never been so terrified in my entire life. Not ever. I've been through some crazy stuff in my life.... but this seems to be the end all of crazy. This is the time in which I start to question myself. I start to wonder if I'm really strong enough to make it work.... if I'm strong enough to not fail and break apart into a thousand pieces. My uncle warned me that when living in another country alone, it can be very lonely. Despite the friendships you make and the work you do to keep you busy, depression hits. The first 6 months are the hardest. Especially with holidays, birthdays and no one around to just be yourself with. I am scared. I already battle heavy depression everyday. I do well with it, considering how bad I once was..... but I'm scared that I'll start sliding down a slippery slope that I cannot stop.

But this will not stop me from going. I'm just dumb enough to fuck myself over by going.

The hardest part of this week is leaving my friends. I have made 3 girlfriends, Caitlin, Rachel and Kat that are my sisters. I have a half sister that screwed me over (yes. her too)... and broke my heart into pieces. I had always wanted a sister and she came back into my life when I was 13 and I attached to her like glue. She was my sister. Then it all came crumbling down 5 years later and I was left in shambles. I have trouble trusting people because of people like her. Now, I find 3 girls who complete the "sister" hole that is in my heart as well as the "friend'. We have this undeniable bond to one another that cannot be explained. I need them and they need me. Our hearts are bound to one another because in our pasts we have had our hearts trampled on by those that called themselves friends. I know that they understand me and that I understand them. I've never felt so close to anyone in my life.

But now I'm leaving. They are the reasons I would stay in Arizona forever. They mean more to me than stupid dreams. Because with them I'm so much happier than I have ever been.

When I leave in early September I'll be missing out on so much. I'll be missing out on birthdays with my girls. I'll be missing out on Caitlin's last months in AZ before moving to Alaska. I don't want to not be here for that. I'll miss Ashley's wedding, I'll miss Christmas with my girls and my family. I'll miss my brother's bday, I'll miss my mom's bday, I'll miss my gma's bday, I'll miss my dad's bday. I'll miss Linz's bday. I'll miss Teresa's bday. I'll miss my nephew London's 1st birthday... I'll spend my own bday alone. I'll spend Christmas on my own if I don't have money to come home.

It's almost too much to take and is making my decision that much harder.

tears are a flowin'!!