Completely Lost my Mind

I haven't been able to sleep much recently. Actually... I've probably slept about 10 hours in the last 3 days. Just enough to keep me from hallucinations. It isn't for lack of trying. Trust me, I don't want to not be sleeping. I love sleep and there is very little on this earth that I love more than my bed. But... every time I get into bed, my mind goes 100 miles an hour and I can't make it stop. I cannot seem to shut it down or slow it to a pace that allows for sleep. I'm surprisingly not as frustrated about my predicament as I thought I would be. I have a lot to think about. The last two weeks have been... eventful. A lot has been slapped on my plate, and shoved down my throat. I have a lot of things to consider. A lot of choices to make. A lot of things to plan.

I never have a concrete plan in life. I've always thought that that was one of my faults. That I SHOULD have a plan. I should know where I'm going. I should be prepared. I should be a certain way. This all comes from the upbringing I had. My brother knew he was going to be a computer engineer from the time he could walk. He loved computers. All that crap is his passion. He's good at it. He's now an engineer.... I never was one to plan. I tried. I tried to decide what I wanted to do in life at an early age. It only screwed me up more to try to do that. I never knew when I was younger that people don't all make plans. That all people don't know what they want to do with life. In fact, thats something that very few people actually know when they are kids.

So when I decided that I wanted to be a business major it seemed like the obvious choice. It was stable. I could make my mom proud and I could make money. Lots of it (in theory). I was only interested in money. Then I realized after almost 2 years in the business school at ASU that I was miserable. I hated my classes. I hated my classmates. I hated my life. I couldn't take the monotony of accounting 230 anymore. It was driving me insane. The numbers were jumping off the face and kicking me with their little number feet.... all over my body. It was like spiders crawling all over me, except it was numbers. I couldn't take it. I was either going to continue and be miserable and jump off a high rise in my business suit at 30, or I was going to get the hell out.

I got out.

I then found myself out in the middle of a crowd with the world spinning around me. I didn't know what to do. My "perfect plan" didn't work out. I was lost. Confused. Happy. I felt like a convict finally released from jail. I could smell the fresh air, the wind on my face, the laughter around me of my fellow students. I walked across campus and changed my major that day to history and education.

Now. I love history. And I love teaching (who woulda thought?? me... a teacher!!). But I still don't have that feeling of comfort and security that I feel I should have. I'm a wanderer. I love to just fly somewhere and meet new people... experience life, love and pain. I love to test myself by putting myself in situations that are not comfortable. I am a strong person because of the past adventures I have gone through.

In the back of my mind lies that little comfort bug. The one that is dying rapidly because I lack security in my life. I don't know if I WANT security. I don't know what I want anymore. I think that I want something, but when I get it, I'm looking on to the next thing. I don't know what will quench my thirst. When will it end?? There has to be a point that I get to where there isn't a "whats next". There has to be a point where there is a "this is it.... the end of the line". But when?? What kind of a place will I be in at that point.

I'm going off to Korea in a month. One month. Its the most... shocking thing that has happened to me in a long time. But with everything that has happened this week... I don't know how to deal.

I lost one of my best friends because he wasn't who I thought he was.... I don't think I ever knew him at all. I'm still heartbroken about that and I don't think that piece of me will be healed. Ever. My mom told me something heartbreaking as well that I feel shattered a portion of my childhood. I look back on my life and there are times when what she told me.... came into question and she lied. To her young child. She lied. I don't know if I'll ever be able to cope with that. I love my mom and always will. I hope that she and I can finally have a relationship where I can talk to her. I hope. Someday. But I still don't feel that comfort... that security... that I should feel when talking to my mom. It's not there. I want to be able to talk to her like a daughter should be able to talk to her mother. I should be able to talk to her without fear of judgment or retribution. But I feel more comfortable talking to the teller at the bank about life than I do my mom. Hopefully overtime this will change.

I'm moving to Korea and I'm terrified. I've never been so terrified in my entire life. Not ever. I've been through some crazy stuff in my life.... but this seems to be the end all of crazy. This is the time in which I start to question myself. I start to wonder if I'm really strong enough to make it work.... if I'm strong enough to not fail and break apart into a thousand pieces. My uncle warned me that when living in another country alone, it can be very lonely. Despite the friendships you make and the work you do to keep you busy, depression hits. The first 6 months are the hardest. Especially with holidays, birthdays and no one around to just be yourself with. I am scared. I already battle heavy depression everyday. I do well with it, considering how bad I once was..... but I'm scared that I'll start sliding down a slippery slope that I cannot stop.

But this will not stop me from going. I'm just dumb enough to fuck myself over by going.

The hardest part of this week is leaving my friends. I have made 3 girlfriends, Caitlin, Rachel and Kat that are my sisters. I have a half sister that screwed me over (yes. her too)... and broke my heart into pieces. I had always wanted a sister and she came back into my life when I was 13 and I attached to her like glue. She was my sister. Then it all came crumbling down 5 years later and I was left in shambles. I have trouble trusting people because of people like her. Now, I find 3 girls who complete the "sister" hole that is in my heart as well as the "friend'. We have this undeniable bond to one another that cannot be explained. I need them and they need me. Our hearts are bound to one another because in our pasts we have had our hearts trampled on by those that called themselves friends. I know that they understand me and that I understand them. I've never felt so close to anyone in my life.

But now I'm leaving. They are the reasons I would stay in Arizona forever. They mean more to me than stupid dreams. Because with them I'm so much happier than I have ever been.

When I leave in early September I'll be missing out on so much. I'll be missing out on birthdays with my girls. I'll be missing out on Caitlin's last months in AZ before moving to Alaska. I don't want to not be here for that. I'll miss Ashley's wedding, I'll miss Christmas with my girls and my family. I'll miss my brother's bday, I'll miss my mom's bday, I'll miss my gma's bday, I'll miss my dad's bday. I'll miss Linz's bday. I'll miss Teresa's bday. I'll miss my nephew London's 1st birthday... I'll spend my own bday alone. I'll spend Christmas on my own if I don't have money to come home.

It's almost too much to take and is making my decision that much harder.

tears are a flowin'!!

My Uncle

I just talked to my uncle that lives in China....

He told me what my first day in Korea will be like (since he's lived in a thousand different countries.... he would know).

he says:

"You will spend all day on the plane and then when you land in Korea you will go through immigration and on all sides of you will be armed guards with machine guns that look like they are straight out of a Rambo movie. At this point you will think 'what the hell am I doing??' Then you will get through immigration and some guy will be there with a sign with your name on it.... and you don't know him, nor do you trust him.... you actually probably distrust him. He will then take you to a hotel or apartment or whatever and drop you off. You will then check in. The next morning you'll wake up in a whole new world..."

Haha. My uncle makes me laugh. but he's so right.

AND.... he just told me that he and his wife will probably be moving to France in early October. Which means I'll REALLY be alone on the other side of the world.

he said I can come over and help him and Loretta pack... I can pack her shoes which will take me about a week. haha.

Then he said that I can pop over to France when I want to visit.... or visit him in an unemployment line and bring him food... whichever the case may be. Better yet... he can move in and sleep on my floor while Loretta and I work. He can then sit at home and retire.

I love my uncle. He's the family member that is the most sarcastic...... and I'm so glad I have him around. He's the only family member I know that is as crazy as I am when it comes to travel and adventure.

Dear god. I'm scared.

Operation Repo

My lovely friend Jessica is in a movie called Operation Repo.

I'm so excited for her because she's worked so hard to get this opportunity.

AND. I'm excited to see the movie so I can SHOUT that I know her.

Here's the trailer.

Tell a friend :)

See the movie :)




Check out this video: Operation Repo The Movies Official Teaser



Jessica is at about 1:27 with the red shirt.

Gorgeous lady.
:)

I love it when I get to see friends achieve something amazing that they have worked their asses off for.

Alex Pardee

If you are fan of The Used or Aiden, you have seen Alex's art.

I love his majorly messed up art... it always inspires me and kinda grosses me out at times too. Great combination.

If you're a weirdo like me, you'll probably enjoy his fucked up art.

I always wanted to get this tattooed on my side. I still might.



This one is entitled: Tonight, To Knight:



Title: The Lurker



Title: Goodnight Lava



Title: The Hug



Title: Red Handed



Title: Escaped Conviction



Title: Vomit Is Love




Enjoy

What do I feel?

I am one of those people that when I feel something, I know it. My emotions rest on my sleeve. If I'm angry, you know it.

A recent development in the life of Katie occurred today. Now... for the first time in a long ass time, I don't know what to do or what I want.

Well... I can't say I don't know what I want. I definitely know what I want. The question is more along the lines of.... what is BEST for me at this juncture?? What I want.... or what I've been working toward for quite some time.

I'm always so conflicted. I guess thats what happens when you are uber awesome like myself. haha.

I love this song.

Unable.

I'm unable to get my head around something my mom told me tonight. I cannot disclose what it is, because she was embarrassed and I have to respect it. Regardless. I never considered it a possibility that my mom did something like this. You think you know someone and then BAM.... something like this happens.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. She's my mom. But... at the same time I'm kinda wondering what else she's waited 23 years to tell me. It was a shock, not because of the actual 'thing', but because it was HER. She's so ultra conservative that it was the last thing I could have expected from her. As her daughter.... I'm having issues with it. I told her that I didn't care.... and I don't. It's just difficult to deal with and accept as fact. Its almost like the last 23 years was a lie. Ugh. I'm being dramatic, I know.... but still... it feels weird!!!

At this point in my mom and my relationship, I feel like its time for me to reveal the other 5 tattoos she doesn't know about. I've been hiding them from her for a year... not because I'm embarrassed of them, because if you know me... you know I LOVE my tattoos. More along the lines of... I was always afraid of her reaction... based on her reaction about the first 4. She wasn't exactly excited or supportive. But I feel that if she can open up and tell me something that was hard for her, that she should be able to accept me. She came to me with an expectation that I wouldn't flip out and that I would still love her. And I would expect no less from her. Yes... what I did is different. I got body art where you can see it all the time practically... but what she did wasn't exactly tiny in comparison.

Oy. What to do!!!!

Catch 22

I'm at a point in my life where uncertainty is a huge roadblock.

I am out of school for the first time IN MY LIFE since I was a toddler.... I have a college degree. I have the entire world as my oyster and can do what I please. I am young... unattached... free spirited.

I have dreams upon dreams that the average person wouldn't even think of attempting. But I want is to be extraordinary. I don't want ordinary life. I don't want the house with 2.5 kids and a dog. I don't want that. No way Jose, Pedro or Jesus.

But. At this point in my life... at this JUNCTURE to use a large intimidating word (actually... it's not so large and less than intimidating... regardless....) I am standing at a fork in the road... with no idea what to do.

I always try to plan out the next.... week or month of my life. So I have something to work toward. But on Sunday (last week.... the 20 something of July) I was faced with a complete turn-around. What I thought was going to be an amazing summer.... turned out to be sub-par and less than stellar. All of a sudden I was where I hadn't expected to be for over a month..... with nothing planned. Nothing.

I feel like I'm on a desert island. With no real escape plan. With no branches to make a raft like Tom Hanks in Cast Away. No volleyball even for company. I'm on a desert island with NOTHING but sand.

Screw sand... you can't make a raft out of sand.

Now... I am in desperate need of a new apartment... desperate. And I cannot move. I am stuck because of money. While I am looking for a job...... the money situation is steadily getting worse.

Being out of college sucks.

Botany

Oh, and for those that are keeping up with my experiments in botany....... I am now trying something new.

My babies (Caitlin, Kat and Rachel... as I named them. because there are 3 and they are flowers... therefore pretty. and the 3 prettiest things in my life right now are my best friends).... are in the kitchen near the window.... listening to jazz music.

I put the radio near them. I am also enjoying the tunes. Its quiet, so I can barely hear it, but I convinced myself in the car that they would enjoy it. If those plants are to be in my house... they are going to be music lovers.

There is no other way to be.

I can't wait til they pop out of the soil so I can REALLY be a plant mommy and take photos upon photos.

Oh. I should take photos of their "pre-growth"!!!!

I'm going to do that now.

stay tuned....

Mexican Hat dance.

Do you ever have those moments where you have the opportunity to be the bigger person but you don't take it?? You'd rather be a small petty person than the bigger, more mature person.

I actually took that opportunity this week and was the bigger person. When I could have written a scathing blog about the flaws evident in others, I chose not too. Not that it helped the situation AT ALL, but I felt a little better. I tend to be the person that writes back immediately to rude messages, texts, etc. When I'm angry, I'm even quicker. But... for once I held my tongue and gave myself time to cool down and think rationally.

Which is a step in the right direction. I guess.

I have a bad temper at times. Which is amazing to me. Because it comes and goes. When I was student teaching and would get frustrated it would take a LOT to make me frustrated. I was a fairly patient person. But then when it comes to people I know out of 'work'.... friends and family and otherwise unrelated to school activities people.... I am quick to anger. Why is that?? Maybe its cause I find the innocence of students to be less annoying than the blatantly badgering ignorance of adults.

Thats probably it.

I solved my own issue. HERE'S A TISSUE!!!

I spent today doing random things.

I went to bed at 3am... then got up at 8 after a very bad nights sleep. I had trouble waking up, for the first time in forever. I sat on my couch for 20 minutes before even starting to get ready for my interview. For me, thats unusual. I'm always the one who pops out of bed and right into the shower in about 2 minutes. I pop here and there. Pop pop pop. But today was different. It was the culmination of the entire weeks stress that got to me.

This past week has probably been the WORST one so far in recent memory.

There was one week in August 2007 that was worse. But that's cause that was when my heart was torn from my chest and that person did the Mexican Hat dance ON my heart. It was OBVIOUSLY never the same. Duh.

Anyway. I went to a job interview. It was for teaching at a detention center here in Phoenix. I think it would be great. The woman said "detention center.... DON'T CRINGE". I actually did not cringe at all. I got a twinge in my heart telling me that I wanted that job worse than anything. I love troubled kids. Thats where my heart lies. I told the woman that I didn't cringe and that I found it ridiculous that anyone would. I was surprised that she thought I would cringe. I guess I can see WHY she would, but I thought it was a great opportunity. I'm hoping to get the job. Because if I do, I think that this could be a cool experience for me. Plus... how tough do I sound when I say "My last job was at the detention center". Har har har. Hilaaaarious.

After the interview I went home and went back to sleep for a few hours. Then... I got up and went to Rachel's house (again. hehe. I'm always there or at Kat's... or with them). We went bowling. It was hilariously fun. I had a great time.

When I walked in, I noticed a girl I went to high school with... someone I was once friends with. She was there with a friend and her husband. They appeared to be having a horrid time. We got placed WITH them. Which was awkward. But... we had such a ridiculously loud good time, that anyone would have a terrible time. And I realized something.

I'm very fortunate to have the girl friends that I do. Without them.... I would be very lonely. They are the rock that holds me together, especially this week. They support me in all my wacky endeavors. They love me despite my flaws and they don't point them out to me. They know that I am human and make mistakes and do dumb things and have issues, yet they love me anyway. I felt sorry for the girl I was once friends with. She could have been having so much more fun. Our group is so free. We are free to laugh and yell and be rowdy.

I felt happy tonight.... then I started to feel non-happy. Not because of the company. but because my mind is weighed down with a lot of bullshit right now. And I can hardly breathe.

I am going to my parents house for dinner tomorrow. I'm going to try to get my mom to see the desperation in my situation... hopefully she won't say the dreaded "i told you so". Regardless... she did tell me so. I didn't listen. For once I can admit that my mom was right. She knew this would happen and I refused to believe. Now... I need her more than ever. I need her to help me be happy.

Cross your fingers that my mommy feels that this is a time when monetary assistance is appropriate.

Small Joys and Heartbreak Hotel

Have you ever had a "friend" go and point out the things you hate most about yourself?? And then make up even more things that play off of those insecurities so that you feel even worse about yourself??

In the past month (possibly longer) I have felt like a complete fool. Not saying that I am not an intelligent person, because by all means.... I am. And I know that I am. I have a college diploma that says I'm smart. Regardless.... there are insecurities that we all feel day in and day out and there is nothing anyone can say or do to make them go away.

My own personal insecurities stem from the fact that I am surrounded by happy, loving, blissful couples and I am in fact... single. Still. Always. Forever. I have had spurts of non-singledom. But they are short spurts and very overrated. I can never seem to find that ONE individual that is my perfect match and completes me. That one that, during a fight, I know will always love me. The one person that I can trust enough to be vulnerable and let my guard down. I have such a wall around my heart that its growing nearly impossible to penetrate. Soon I'll just be a completely heartless individual, blocked off from all the pain after years of torture and heart break.

I want to find that one person. It hurts so bad that I can't. That I see my friends who are my age, or younger..... settling down and finding that person. I see it everyday. Day in and day out. I love the idea of love, and I'm very happy for my friends. But I cannot help but be insanely jealous at the same time. I try to keep the jealousy to a minimum because I'm not the jealous type. I have a lot of things in my life to qualify me as a lucky person. But the one thing I have always dreamed of... love.... is out of my reach.

Everyone tells me "it'll happen, it'll happen". I cannot tell you how sick I am of hearing that. I do not believe, any more than I believe in Santa (which is ZERO!) that it will happen. Yes, I'm only 22, but if you have gone through the crap I've been through.... you wouldn't believe in it either. I don't buy it. I don't think it'll happen. I stopped believing a long time ago and I just wish that I could be satisfied with my lot in life. I WANT so badly to just never want it ever again. For me to be happy without it. For me to stop feeling like there is this void in my life.

Blah. I hate feeling like this. I'm getting annoyed with myself

But. Back to what I was going to say about friends fucking friends over.......

I feel that a real friend would not play on the other persons insecurities, regardless of the fight or the situation or the immense hate that is obviously in that persons heart. Cruelty is not the answer to an argument. No matter how much I absolutely hate this person and feel betrayed by this person, I wouldn't go around and spread their problems and post them for the world to see. I wouldn't tear them down to the point that they feel even worse about themselves.

Depression is a real thing. It isn't an excuse to be sad. It isn't "emo". It's real. For those that have never experienced it.... lucky you. For those of you that have.... welcome to my fucked up world. At times I feel fine, but some days are so hard to get out of bed because I don't see the point. Those that don't battle depression and depression doesn't run in their family, they always say shit like "just CHOOSE to be happy..... why can't you just get up and be happy??" It's not that simple. If it WERE, the world would be a better place. But it's not. It doesn't work. Depression isn't a CHOICE. It's called a chemical imbalance kids. CHEMISTRY. Remember that class that you probably slept through in high school. If you even went....

Yea. Thats it. Chemistry. I don't choose to feel like crap some days, where it doesn't seem like the day will end. Where the only answer is the worst possible choice..... but I'm too chicken to take it.





I.... choose to put on a happy front for the world to see. I don't like pity. And the fact that this "friend" chose me for target practice.

Thats the thing that hurts worse than the betrayal.

Although, neither makes me particularly happy.

On a happy note......

I planted some seeds yesterday in some pots..... and I'm patiently waiting for them to start growing. I placed them outside so that they would get sunlight. I wanted them inside cause, lets face it, the face of the sun isn't the best environment for growing flowers..... BUT.... my apartment faces north and south, therefore the sunlight is very minimal....

I'm excited for some flowers to start growing.

AND.... I bought some plumeria seeds on ebay last night.

I CANT WAIT!!!!!!

life can be cruel, but the small joys are good ones.

Top 25 albums

When I think of music and the importance it has in my life... I think back to when I first began my long journey down this road. When my friend Michael asked me to put together a list of my top 25 albums, it was surprisingly difficult. I could not decide if I wanted to make the list about my top 25 albums CURRENTLY, or my 25 when I was younger. Because... they constantly change.

Thats one thing that can be said about my taste in music, it is constantly changing. I go from loving country, to pop, to being a rock and roll fiend. Right now, I cannot get enough hip hop. Who knew right??

This is MY list of top 25. They range from what is important to me now, to what was important to me when I was a young kid.

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER.

Alanis Morisette—Jagged Little Pill

30 Seconds to Mars—Self-titled

Aiden- Nightmare Anatomy

Blink-182—Enema of the State

Shania Twain—Come on Over

Blondie—Plastic Letters

Madonna—Like a Prayer

Britney Spears— Britney

Michael Jackson—Thriller

Billy Idol—Vital Idol

Green Day— Nimrod

Hoobastank—Basketball Shorts

Earshot-- Two

Beatles—White Album

Beach Boys—Pet Sounds

Sarah McLachlan-- Afterglow

The Used—In Love and Death

Train—Drops of Jupiter

Tool—10,000 Days

Schoolyard Heroes—Funeral Sciences

Pink Floyd— The Wall

Our Lady Peace—Naveed

Mum—Finally We are No One

Cobra Starship—While the City Sleeps, We Rule the Streets

Marilyn Manson—Anarchist Superstar

Plumeria

I've decided to become a gardener. And by gardener... I mean in my apartment I'm going to try to grow some plumerias. Might as well. What else have I got to do with my time.

Plus I love plumerias so much.



I decided this just now.

about 2 minutes ago.

I'm researching.

In my attempt

to become a happier individual.

I spent this evening (after Caitlin departed)... doing things I want to do.

First.... I walked around my apartment, loving my new rug.

Then I laid down on my 20 dollar rug from target that I adore.

Then I pulled out my coloring book and colored a couple pictures of princesses.......

Then I made a couple cookies and I ate them right up.

Then I sat down and drew in my sketch book for the first time in a year or so. I used to love to draw... almost as much as I love to write.

During this time I watched movies.... a bunch of sappy movies that i adore.

These movies are:









I love being alone.

Caitlin

I am entitling this blog 'Caitlin' because it is dedicated to her.

The last couple days, as you know from my past blogs..... have not been easy. In fact, they have been extremely difficult. Not only trying to my heart and soul, but also trying to my mental stability.

I almost had a complete breakdown the other day. It was the closest I have been to actually losing it and doing something stupid in almost a year. If you know me well enough, you know what the last event was.

Seems to be that the betrayal of loved ones tends to do that to me.

Anyway. My friend Caitlin, who I have not known very long, but I have loved her for as long as I HAVE known her.... came over. She drove an hour from her home to my home. She then proceeded to cheer me up by being a breath of fresh air and sanity in a world full of gloom.

She then proceeded to clean up my room, clean up my kitchen, clean up my living room and make my apartment all pretty again.

I have spent the last few months since moving in with my roommate...... waiting for him to contribute to the apartment. To help me make it ours. He has not done that. Not at all. So Caitlin made it mine.

Then she spent the night and I woke up this morning to an even CLEANER apartment as well as decorated walls.

Then we proceeded to jump my car which was out of service due to a dead battery. She then took me to Checker where we bought a battery and Caitlin struggled for over 30 minutes trying to get the corroded battery out before someone helped her.

Regardless of what I have done in life.... I never considered myself lucky enough to deserve a friend that would do that much for me. I am so grateful to her.

I know that if I had been left alone last night I would not be in the good shape I am today..... I would still be wallowing in self pity.

I love my girls.

Traumatic

this past couple days has been an emotional rollercoaster.

mostly downhill.

yesterday my friend Caitlin came over to cheer me up. She brought me out of my funk and made me smile again. She took care of me and made me realize that true friendship is hard to come by.

and that I have friends that won't stab me in the back..

those friends that DID stab me in the back are done for. Its sad to say, but I fell for it SO long that at this point, its heartbreaking to say that its over.

I'm the type of person that gives people the benefit of the doubt repeatedly. I never seem to learn from my mistakes.

I have a hardened heart from past lives and past altercations with "loved" ones..... but I still manage to love. I still manage to care. I still manage to hurt.

And I hurt now.

I hurt a lot.

Superior

I woke up this morning thinking about how angry I am at the world. Mostly at one or two people. The people that had the nerve to fuck me over.

I don't think that I will spend too much time dwelling... just a little longer. The pain and betrayal is a little fresh in my mind still....

In a day or two when I have decided to no longer be pissed off.... My anger will subside into revenge. I will then get even with the world that so callously cast me aside.... and I will prevail. I will prevail because thats what I am meant to do. I'm meant to be beaten down and then rise up again and be victorious.


This is not the first time I have felt the rejection that comes with the cruel world in which I am attempting to break into....

I love.....

my friends.

Came to my rescue when I needed them the most.

I'm not having the BEST day ever.

Actually its one of the worst.

It really sucks to have these insane dreams that are so awesome...... and you are closing in on realizing your dream..... and then BAM....... someone else gets to realize your dream. Someone you introduced to the necessary people.

They go behind your back.....

kinda sucks.

But i love my friends.

Imagine

Have you ever had a life-long dream of going to a certain destination??

You fell in love with this place when you were very young and the fascination with it has never ceased. In fact, your heart swells more and more every year with love for this place.

This place for me.... is Greece.

I have been passionate about the culture, the people, the food, the scenery, the architecture.... for as long as I can remember.

I remember falling in love with Greek mythology and it all building from there.... slowly becoming something I could not deny.

When I finally find a job that will pay me to do something I love.... I aim to save up money and my FIRST big trip out of the country on my own dollar.... I'm going to Greece.

How could anyone deny the beauty??

Dark Knight

I saw the new Batman movie AGAIN today. I have now seen it twice. First time I was in the 2nd row from the FRONT. Stupid opening night at 12:05 showing. Whatever.

Tonight I was in a much better place.



I like that movie poster. A lot. I'm not really sure why.

I think that despite all the controversy surrounding Heath Ledger and his performance (and death)... he was amazing. Regardless of whether or not he is alive.... he was awesome as the Joker. I would have expected much less from him.... I was so surprised at how he did.

I know I know..... he only gets this attention because he's dead. Whatever. I don't believe that for a minute. Everyone makes me feel stupid for feeling the way I do. I have never been a Heath Ledger fan. Ever. I have seen A Knight's Tale 200 times... ONLY BECAUSE I don't have cable and its always on tv...... Not because I think Heath is a stellar actor.

I have never wanted to see all his other movies, nor do I want to now.

Maybe its the sucker in me... the softie that feels for his daughter and family.... the GIRL who wants for him to get the recognition he deserves.

Maybe you don't think he deserves this recognition... but I do. So shove it up your butt if you don't agree. This is my blog.... I can say what I want. Its my whole freedom of speech thing.... freedom of press as well (in a way).

Yes.... my history teacher nerdism is coming out.

Letting Go

Do you ever have something in your life that completely blows you away?? That you knew was coming, yet when it did, it seemed to totally obliterate your reality???

Yea. That came today.

I have my dreams and the majority of my friends see me as the "dreamer". The one that goes out and makes those dreams happen. The one who has the luck to have it actually happen for them.

For once.... I'm the real loser in this situation.

I'm starting to realize... while having dreams is a good idea, sometimes dreams are farfetched and should be let go....

I'm letting my dreams go one at a time.... like balloons into the heavens... my dreams go....

Music is my SOUL

Everyone always says crap like "music moves me", "music is my life".

Whatever. You don't understand the true impact of music until your life completely revolves around it. Until you cannot live a moment without listening to it or playing it in your mind. Every breath you take is for music..... you cannot get enough. The wind has musical notes drifting away on its gusts... and no.... I do not see this because I'm tripping on acid. I do not do drugs. I see this because music is my soul. My heart beats with the tune of songs from past lives.

Now... I will regularly post my favorite songs in playlists........ and because my music taste is so vast and ALWAYS changing...... you can count on a variety of tunes.

So... for today... Monday. The day of the week that the world hates.... I give you these songs

Paranoia

I'm so insane. I hate that I can take the most amazing things in life and fuck them up merely because I'm partially schizophrenic. Yes.... I did spell that right the first time. I may be crazy, but my diction is fantastic and my spelling is stellar.

Why is it that while I'm so happy with things I can't help but pick apart the smallest thing??

I always find friendships that are so great, then I pick them apart at the small imperfect seams. Eventually they unravel and blow up in my face like 10 lbs of tnt.

I don't know if it is my ultimate absence and unavailability to be confided in.... but I feel left out of things.

Like I'm the 'wild" friend that everyone keeps around cause my life is so exciting.

I'm really not that exciting.

I live in a van (well.... not permanently... but for the summer)



I have an All Access Pass to Mayhem tour



Maybe its my inability to get married and settle down like everyone else.

believe you me.... if you keep up with this blog and read it regularly.... (oh my god, i have to change the song on my itunes shuffle. its my "rainforest sounds" and it sounds like someone pissing)

anyway.... if you are a 'kate's blog regular' you will come to realize that this "Unmarried status" is not necessarily by choice.

Why do I feel like...... a second rate friend????

Why...... do I feel like I just tag along with people in life??

Why do people feel that they can say mean things to me?? and that saying "JUST KIDDING" makes it ok???

Why do some people never say nice things to those that they consider friends??

Sometimes all it takes is a, "I'm glad you're in my life" to make someone feel really great.

But I don't think I'll hear that much anytime soon.






blah.

I have blogged too much today. But I never have enough "writing therapy".

Apparently No One Knew....

That the Plumeria flower is my FAVORITE flower ever.

You can pretty much only find it in Hawaii (if it is found in other countries, I do not know this because I have not been there)

It smells DELICIOUS and looks so happy. I'm going to get one tattooed on me someday. I haven't decided where though.



Speaking of tattoos

I think I have decided what I want to do with the rest of my half sleeve on my forearm.

I want to get sparrows that signify freedom, but also a promise to return home. Since I have this undeniable urge to travel and be lost in the world beyond my personal borders, its a reminder that I have some place that I call home.... some place to return to. It also symbolizes a safe journey, which would definitely always be welcomed and nice.

AND finally.... having a sparrow tattoo symbolizes searching for your true love. Since sparrows find that one and mate for life. blah blah blah. its all fabulous.

Anyway. I want two sparrows and they will be holding a banner that says true love. under the banner will be something. i haven't decided yet. it will be epic. as all of my tattoos are. :)

Sparrow i want:

My Girls are my WORLD!!

In all my life.... I have lived with the shroud of being truly happy in the place I was in life. I have always convinced myself that I really COULDN'T do better.

Well.... I can't do better now and there is no denying it. No jury on the planet could convict these girls of being any less than the best I could ever ask for.

Meet:
Rachel, Caitlin and Kat



They do the littlest things that in my past.... my BEST of friends would never have done. Just being there for me when I think I'm falling apart.

Today.... I was feeling sick the last couple days and hadn't had much to eat, so Kat drove out from Gilbert to bring me food.


I love them.

Live True

For those that don't know me and are reading this blog.... and even for those that DO know me and are reading this........

The two words I lead my life by and that will never be far from my mind are: "Live True".

I do not believe in doing anything you do not feel is in the best interest of yourself. Regardless of how selfish and self-centered that seems..... the only person you can count on in life is yourself. The only person that will NEVER stab you in the back... that will NEVER hurt you (purposefully or otherwise), the only person that will always be there.... is you.

It is the most important thing to keep your opinions of yourself high and your attention to the naysayers.... low.

I live my life like that.

I can honestly say that listening to yourself and not to the negativity of the world is hard. It will always seep in.

I, as a "teacher", feel that it is my place to impart wisdom and self-esteem in my students. I try to do so on a daily basis. I will never be the teacher that hides feelings from my students. I will never hide away at lunch in my classroom hoping that they do not come to me. I have always been the person that my friends come to for their issues...... and I plan to continue to be that person.

I would love to be able to tell my students that life gets easier the older you get... that the problems they face in high school will fade away into a memory logged in their brains as "high school". But it isn't that way is it??

Problems only become older... and more grown up as you age. The meaningless fights of high school and the petty hatred go away.... but the worries of adulthood replace and shadow over those issues.

Sometimes I wish that I could go back to high school when I lived at home and my parents cooked for me and paid for everything and all I had to do was go to school..

... but then I remember that I hated high school.



Welcome to my blog... and to my insane and twisted mind