Small Joys and Heartbreak Hotel

Have you ever had a "friend" go and point out the things you hate most about yourself?? And then make up even more things that play off of those insecurities so that you feel even worse about yourself??

In the past month (possibly longer) I have felt like a complete fool. Not saying that I am not an intelligent person, because by all means.... I am. And I know that I am. I have a college diploma that says I'm smart. Regardless.... there are insecurities that we all feel day in and day out and there is nothing anyone can say or do to make them go away.

My own personal insecurities stem from the fact that I am surrounded by happy, loving, blissful couples and I am in fact... single. Still. Always. Forever. I have had spurts of non-singledom. But they are short spurts and very overrated. I can never seem to find that ONE individual that is my perfect match and completes me. That one that, during a fight, I know will always love me. The one person that I can trust enough to be vulnerable and let my guard down. I have such a wall around my heart that its growing nearly impossible to penetrate. Soon I'll just be a completely heartless individual, blocked off from all the pain after years of torture and heart break.

I want to find that one person. It hurts so bad that I can't. That I see my friends who are my age, or younger..... settling down and finding that person. I see it everyday. Day in and day out. I love the idea of love, and I'm very happy for my friends. But I cannot help but be insanely jealous at the same time. I try to keep the jealousy to a minimum because I'm not the jealous type. I have a lot of things in my life to qualify me as a lucky person. But the one thing I have always dreamed of... love.... is out of my reach.

Everyone tells me "it'll happen, it'll happen". I cannot tell you how sick I am of hearing that. I do not believe, any more than I believe in Santa (which is ZERO!) that it will happen. Yes, I'm only 22, but if you have gone through the crap I've been through.... you wouldn't believe in it either. I don't buy it. I don't think it'll happen. I stopped believing a long time ago and I just wish that I could be satisfied with my lot in life. I WANT so badly to just never want it ever again. For me to be happy without it. For me to stop feeling like there is this void in my life.

Blah. I hate feeling like this. I'm getting annoyed with myself

But. Back to what I was going to say about friends fucking friends over.......

I feel that a real friend would not play on the other persons insecurities, regardless of the fight or the situation or the immense hate that is obviously in that persons heart. Cruelty is not the answer to an argument. No matter how much I absolutely hate this person and feel betrayed by this person, I wouldn't go around and spread their problems and post them for the world to see. I wouldn't tear them down to the point that they feel even worse about themselves.

Depression is a real thing. It isn't an excuse to be sad. It isn't "emo". It's real. For those that have never experienced it.... lucky you. For those of you that have.... welcome to my fucked up world. At times I feel fine, but some days are so hard to get out of bed because I don't see the point. Those that don't battle depression and depression doesn't run in their family, they always say shit like "just CHOOSE to be happy..... why can't you just get up and be happy??" It's not that simple. If it WERE, the world would be a better place. But it's not. It doesn't work. Depression isn't a CHOICE. It's called a chemical imbalance kids. CHEMISTRY. Remember that class that you probably slept through in high school. If you even went....

Yea. Thats it. Chemistry. I don't choose to feel like crap some days, where it doesn't seem like the day will end. Where the only answer is the worst possible choice..... but I'm too chicken to take it.





I.... choose to put on a happy front for the world to see. I don't like pity. And the fact that this "friend" chose me for target practice.

Thats the thing that hurts worse than the betrayal.

Although, neither makes me particularly happy.

On a happy note......

I planted some seeds yesterday in some pots..... and I'm patiently waiting for them to start growing. I placed them outside so that they would get sunlight. I wanted them inside cause, lets face it, the face of the sun isn't the best environment for growing flowers..... BUT.... my apartment faces north and south, therefore the sunlight is very minimal....

I'm excited for some flowers to start growing.

AND.... I bought some plumeria seeds on ebay last night.

I CANT WAIT!!!!!!

life can be cruel, but the small joys are good ones.