Happy Crappy New Year

Woo. Here I sit, feeling like I got run over by a semi 12 times.... New Years Eve

What a joy. Here in Korea, they don't believe in having a healthy number of days off... no no. We get the 1st off. Then we have to go back to work for ONE DAY on the 2nd. So stupid.



Nothing is more fun than sitting alone in your apartment, thinking about how you are thousands of miles away from ANYONE moderately important.... And sick.



Fun.

Happy fucking new year.

Jizz In my Pants

This song/video makes me laugh hysterically every time.

Kristen and Mike kept making the face at me that he does at 00:30. I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard.

I Jizz In My Pants


I love it.

No one.

I get the distinct impression in life that no one really knows me. I don't know if this is because I have a permanent wall up that doesn't allow people in, or if it is because people around me just don't bother. I think its a little of both.

Recently I tried to bring to the attention of a friend that she was hurting another friend. I don't intentionally hurt people. Sometimes what I can say is harsh.....

My friend Ashley said in high school when I asked her to describe me for my senior project... "Katie can sometimes be harsh, but she always means well and you know she really cares...".

I don't know why, but that really stuck with me. Never a truer statement of me. I can definitely be harsh. I have a filter, and thank god I do... cause things I COULD say are far worse than what I really do say.

In this situation I tried to be diplomatic and not hurtful. I thought I did good until things started to get personal towards me and started to hurt me.

No, I haven't had a terrible life. I had parents who loved me and provided for me. But thats the only real relationship in my life that hasn't absolutely destroyed me. My own grandparents told me to my face that they didn't consider me their grandchild. I was just a replacement for my dad's other kids. That hurt but not as bad as being disowned by 4 aunts and an uncle, a grandmother, grandfather, cousins, etc etc. That was the worst part. It was almost like they all died. But I put on a brave face and started to build this permanent sky-high wall I have surrounding me.

Other events in life have turned me into this... and when I finally thought I had made friends who might make the effort to know the real me... they write me off because I had the nerve to be blunt.



My definition of friendship is to be real, honest and good. I don't fake with friends. If something has hurt me, I say it.

I can't believe no one in life really knows me.

Wanderlust

Should I join the peace corps when I get home? I considered this as a possibility before I came to Korea.

Should I move to LA and pursue my dreams?

Should I get my TESOL certificate and move to Greece?

Should I stay put and work as a teacher for a couple years at my beloved McClintock High?

Should I do none of the above and live in my parents house for the rest of my youth?

Should I fix up my car and live in that for the next 10 years as I wander across the U.S. experiencing the life I've been given?

___________

I have been given a newfound sense of self and purpose. I don't know why it came now, all of a sudden. I came to a realization on friday after the horrid OPEN CLASS here in Korea. I realized that I don't hate this country. In fact, I am enjoying myself here. I can only imagine all the stories I will have by the time I go to leave home. Every day here is a new adventure.

Today I am going to get my first haircut in Korea. That should be interesting, for sure.

I have come to the conclusion that life is way too short.

I find it frustrating that I don't know what I'm going to do next. The past year made me realize that while I want certain things, those things aren't always for me. I hated how things turned out, but sometimes you can't stop things from turning out a certain way.

I haven't thought about the one who broke my heart as often in the last few days as I usually have. Rachel would be proud of me, she always yelled at me for giving him so much of myself when he didn't deserve me in the first place. I don't know why I dedicate so much of myself to certain people or things.

I am loyal... thats for sure.

But I think its a great sign that I haven't thought about him as much. I could really use a break from him and the thoughts of him that bring me such heartache.


WOOO

Today is a good day even though I'm tired.

The Past

I look back on the past year with mixed feelings. So much has happened, good and bad, that has changed me forever.

I don't know whether I would change anything if I could... or if the results would be any different.

I would like to believe that someone out there somewhere has a plan for me that doesn't involve being used and abused by people. I'd like to believe that my life is meant to be extraordinary.

I graduated college in May, something I always wanted to accomplish and I worked hard for. There were times when I didn't think I would do it. I didn't think that I could make it. My mom freaked about my tattoos halfway through my junior year and I will admit.... I looked into how I could drop out. I stood outside the student services building for an hour... staring at it and imagining what life would be like. I didn't know how I would pay for my own college.... but I made the ultimate decision that I had worked too hard for 2.5 years, I wasn't going to throw that all away.

I did it. I graduated.

Once graduation was over, real life came and tried to break into my life. I warded it off for the summer.

I went on tour, Warped Tour 2008 and then Mayhem Tour. I had high hopes for this portion of my year. I had always wanted to go on tour and I was finally able to do it. Undoubtedly, most tour situations aren't perfect. Mine was less than perfect. I was treated incredibly bad by someone I considered to be a friend. Everything unraveled and I was done. I was dumped back into real life sooner than expected with less than a perfect plan of what to do now.

There I was... mid July with no job, no plans, nothing. I barely had an apartment. I barely had a life.

I went into 'Ms. Fix-It' mode. So many times in my life, another part of my personality has taken over my brain and my body. I am inside my head watching myself try and cope with the hand life dealt me. I tried to find a job, any job. I was a college graduate and I was applying to Hot Topic. I sent applications to every school district in the valley, including ones in other areas of Arizona where people sell sex to get AWAY from. I needed answers.

How was I supposed to get answers when I didn't even know the question?? Something made me leave parts of my applications blank. Some part of my other personality didn't want me to get those jobs. Something made me want to live in my fantasy world a little longer.

Don't get me wrong, I do not have multiple personalities, but sometimes parts of my one personality take over and lead me in certain directions.

I had always had this silly dream of going to another country and teaching english. After my summer of broken dreams I didn't think any of my dreams were worth pursuing anymore. I didn't think I had a realistic view of the world. I was a dreamer with a weird ability to get lucky and stumble across things that felt like answers to my dream.

I found myself in early August still without a job and quickly running out of money, not knowing what to do. Putting on a brave face for the people in my life when in reality my whole life and my soul was being sucked out of me. I was losing a battle I didn't even know I was fighting.

I got a call that answered my need for a job. Korea.

I ran away from the issues I wanted to pretend didn't exist. Here I am in Korea... trying to fix my psyche and my life. But in reality, I ran from those relationships that meant the most to me. They are dying everyday because I am not around to keep them alive.

I don't know what I'm doing when I get home in less than 9 months.

I wish I had some sort of life plan. This past year has completely ruined my idea of "life plans". I'm very aware that life plans don't always work out, but it comforted me that I had an idea of what I wanted to do in life. Now... I don't know. I don't have any idea what I want to do.

I'm happy here, finally. I don't want to stay here for longer than my year, but I'm afraid of what will happen when I'm no longer here....

Give Thanks, then get off the shitter....

I feel that I should keep up with my yearly tradition of making a blog about what and who I am thankful for. I haven't actually taken the time recently to be thankful for much. I really should rethink that and be more thankful for the gifts in life.

I'm growing increasingly cynical by the day. I think I am negative and cynical and pessimistic by nature.... its in my genes (maybe in my jeans? haha) its in my blood. Whatever. Even cynical people know what to be thankful for and what to not be thankful for. ...

__________________________________

I'm thankful for my parents. This is the first time in a long time that I have included them on my list of things to be thankful for. Mostly because we have been clashing in recent years, as most parents do with their rebellious child. They have been surprisingly supportive of my decision to come to Korea. I was expecting, my mom especially, to flip her lid. I thought she would cry and beg me to stay home and accuse me of trying to break up the family. That wasn't the case. They helped me prepare to go, and they saw me off at the airport. I'm not even going to say they were glad to get rid of me, because if that were the case, my mom wouldn't be so diligent about emailing me daily. I love and appreciate their emails that they send me. It gives me something to look forward to during the hard days at my job. Whenever I feel down, I look at my inbox, and there's another email from my mom. And she went through all the trouble of making me a felt Christmas tree to hang in my apartment along with wrapped gifts. I am so thankful and I owe them a lot in life. I'm only beginning to realize this.

I'm thankful for my brother Steve. He and I spent many years fighting a losing battle against each other. Neither one was ever meant to win, and neither was meant to lose. It was just incredibly stupid to ever think we needed to fight. For a year or so after he graduated college I struggled to formulate a relationship with him. I always enjoyed him in that year, but he was never as open with me as I felt he should be. I'm an open book and I know most people are not. I appreciate Steve for being solid and unchanging. My parents needed someone like him while I was out and about doing things that disappointed them. I appreciate that now that he is older he is able to appreciate the wild side of me. He sees the humor in my personality and we are able to get along so much better now than we ever have.

I am thankful for my GMA. She may be crazy and we might fight like dogs sometimes, but she has always been there for me. When the rest of my grandparents gave up on my brother and I, she stood by us. She's always been there and despite all her crazy antics, she is an amazing individual.

I am thankful for my friends back home... I have so many I want to thank, but I don't want to write for forever.

So I'm going to thank them in a short message

Theresa-- for being there for me like any sister should be. I may not be related, but I've always felt like I was. You welcomed me into your life and home and you have always been there for me when I need someone to talk to or someone to hang out with and do nothing. You are hilariously funny and half the time you don't even know it. Your heart is so huge that I'm shocked you can even fit it in your chest. You care so much about other people that there is rarely room to care about yourself. I appreciate so much of what you have done for me and my friends over the years. I know we will be friends forever.

Bekah-- Despite the fact that we rarely see each other anymore, you have provided me with the security in myself to be who I should be. No one else has made me realize that I am perfectly great the way I am. You brought me to life all those years ago and no one can take that from you. You are the best thing that has happened to me in my life in so many ways and you will always own a piece of my heart.

Caitlin-- Even though we haven't known each other long, you have opened my eyes to a whole other world. You have brought out the emotional side in me. I side I have tried so hard to bury. You made me FEEL again. You showed me that it was ok to cry. You showed me what true friendship is all about. You seem to know when I'm down and you are willing to drive to the ends of the earth for me. No one has been a truer friend. You and Paul showed me what true love despite all costs really looks like. I will never let you forget that you guys are the couple that renewed my belief in true love.

Rachel-- For opening up to me and letting me into your life. You are a truly amazing person who means more to me than I ever imagined. You have a sarcastic sense of humor which compliments my own. You aren't afraid to be who you are and believe what you want to believe. You made me think hard about what I believed in and learn to defend them regardless of the situation.

Kat-- You are an extremely positive influence on my life. You made me realize that its ok to be honest with yourself about your religion and beliefs. I tried for so long to be this girl who doesn't talk about religion. You made me realize that its ok to be open about it and still have friends who don't believe it. I was always scared that people would run away if they found out I had things I believed in. You are an extremely strong person and no one makes me laugh til I cannot breathe like you do.

Jeremy-- Even though we have had some world famous fights... if fights could go super sonic, ours would have been nuclear. I think part of the reason I get so mad at you is because I love you. I cannot stand the idea that you and I would not be friends at some point. There was not a day during our fight that I didn't think of you and hope that things would get fixed at some point. I'm so thankful that things are better between us. You make me laugh so hard at the stupidest things. I can be my silly self around you and you never think I'm being weird and dumb. You give the best bear hugs and even when you shove me into closets, I know that you care about me too. You're the best

I miss you all everyday.

There are tons of other people I would love to thank, but this list is getting out of hand.

Lastly I want to thank my coworkers

When I came to Korea, I came here alone. I had no one. There is no doubt in my mind that I would have failed here if it wasn't for my coworkers. Mike took me under his wing and helped me figure things out. He's my sounding board for all things that piss me off. Because there's a good chance those same things have pissed him off. He's my favorite "Negative Nancy". Christine has been more helpful than she ever needed to be. She helped me figure out everything that I needed to do at the school. Without her I would have floundered on many occasions. She supported me and gave me the necessary tools to be successful in this school. Erik... eternally optimistic and cheerful Erik. I have nicknamed him "Fuzzy". Not only does that describe his hair and beard, but it describes his personality well. He's the type of guy that is always happy. Even if he is upset by something, he manages to not be mad at people uninvolved in the situation. He is always good for a laugh or a sarcastic remark. The most random things happen to him and he takes it all in stride. Michelle... my fellow Phoenix, AZ pal. We have this unspoken bond that dates back to the moment we met in the airport. There is no one that knows you better than someone who cried with you within 3 minutes of meeting. She makes me laugh constantly and she takes everything in stride. She laughs loudly when she finds things funny, and she's comfortable with herself. I appreciate people who can be completely honest about who they are. Kristen.... has been one of the greatest people recently. She was my first official friend in Korea. She showed me around and we had a lot of great times together. When I didn't have internet she let me come us hers every night if I wanted. I will definitely miss her when she leaves in 3 weeks.


Thats about it.

I'm thankful for the U.S. and home. Everyday I am more and more thankful

I'm especially thankful for music. I wouldn't make it through daily life without it. It drowns out the voices in my head that drive me crazy day by day. If not for music I wouldn't be here today. It has brought me inner peace.

I laughed so hard I cried...

failblog.org

Share it with me.

Have you ever loved someone with so much of your being that it hurts to breathe??

Thinking of them being so far away makes you die a little inside and you wonder how you could possibly live your entire life without them in it.

Have you felt this way??




Thats how I feel now.

My heart and soul are slowly dying.

this sucks!! And I can't do shit about it either except tough it out or die.

ROADTRIP-A-PALOOZA 2009

I'm bored here in Korea. Not that there isn't a lot to do... because there IS.... but on week nights when I get off work at 6 and get home, all there really is to do... is sit around on my computer, think about things and sleep.

Weekends are a different story. LOADS to do.

Since I am excited at the idea of going home and to keep my mind off the fact that it will be 9 months before I am close to leaving to come home.... I'm going to keep my mind occupied by planning the ultimate roadtrip.

I don't know exactly where I want to go... But I think in the direction of Seattle, WA with a stop in San Francisco, LA, and various places in between would be rad.

If you know anything about me, You know that I love love love love Seattle AND San Francisco AND LA.... you can't get much better when planning a roadtrip than planning one to your 3 favorite American cities in the Fall.

Beautiful. Relaxing. Fun. Amazing.

I just need to get some people to come.

I know I want Jeremy and Bekah to come. It isn't a roadtrip without them. I hope that they would be able to come, but who knows.

Lalalala time to plaaaannnnnnn

Tunes

Certain moods and certain points in my life make me more attracted to certain songs. Some songs lie in my iPod for months without being listened to and all of a sudden I start to listen to that song(s) over and over and over....

Music speaks to my soul

These are a few songs and artists I'm currently listening to:

Life

I have been thinking a lot recently... well more like in the last year about things I want out of life.

The important things obviously take a more important role in my thinking than the others. There are many things that I would like to try to do with my life that if I don't accomplish them, I won't feel incomplete.

There are those things though that I would feel incomplete without. I am, in myself, a whole person and I'm happy with who I am. I become happier daily with the person I have turned out to be in life. I think that I am an intelligent person, I care about others, I make people laugh, I can hold an intelligent conversation, I can spell most words, I am adventurous, I am daring, but I'm also level-headed and think things through when I know I should. I have something called COMMON SENSE that I have noticed that a lot of people do not have.

Another quality that I love and hate about myself is the fact that I know exactly what I want and I don't settle for anything less than perfection. I use this for my shopping as well.... I picture exactly what I want in my head and I don't buy anything until I find it. This has made for a really great wardrobe. ;) This has kept me from many disastrous situations and relationships. I could have dated all over Phoenix if I wanted to, but I decided to keep my shit to myself and not be a whore. I want my love life to be special.

Call me old fashioned, but I want the person I'm with for the rest of my life to be the one and only love of my life. I'm not satisfied with just settling for whomever is around. I don't believe that anyone should settle for anything less than their perfect match.

Maybe I'm a fool because I believe that each and every person has that one person out there that completes them. Some people find them early in life and some people find them later. But most people find them eventually.

I believe that I will find that person, and when I do, it will be perfect. I will know it. I will fight with them like crazy, but I will love them with every fiber of my being. They will make me laugh hysterically, harder than I've ever laughed before, but they will also be able to share their thoughts with me and make me think of things in ways I never thought of before.

When I was younger (and during certain points in my present life...) people constantly said to me "You are too picky", "You should just try going out with different guys... see how it goes". I don't think thats the way to find anyone special. Being picky isn't a bad thing. Being picky means I know what I want. Being picky means that I have put some serious thought into it and I refuse to waste my time or the guys' time.

Dating around is a complete cluster fuck of a bad idea. Yes... Let's date a bunch of guys I'm not remotely interested in and hope that some sort of feeling develops.

I have always lived my life moment by moment.

If I want to go to LA, I pick up and go. Bekah and I have gone to LA multiple times with 3 hours of planning. I'm very spontaneous and I very much believe that my immediate gut feeling is always right. I trust my gut more than I trust any single person in the world.

I know what I want in life. And dating some loser guy I'm not sure about, but I'm too lost in myself to know that I would be ok with out him...... isn't the way to live life.

Being alone is only for the strong willed and those with hearts the size of Texas.

For the first time in my life, I'm really happy being the way I am. I need to surround myself with friends who have the same goals as me and who don't look down on me because I chose to be alone.

I just had a break-through :)

Fair-weather Friend

I have come to realize in the past few weeks/months, whatever... that I am surrounded by fair weather friends. I never considered that moving to another location would make friends disappear. Admittedly I'm in another part of the world, but those friends from other states that I rarely saw anyway... they should realistically keep in better touch.

I'm a great pen pal. I write back THE DAY I get letters, or at least the next day. I'm the best!! Why would people not want to write to me??

Whatever. As far as I'm concerned I'm alone in this life and I'm totally ok with that. I have seriously changed my outlook on life recently.

I'm tired of being treated like crap by "friends". I aim to surround myself with people I enjoy. Those that make me laugh or make me think critically. But I don't plan to get overly attached to those I know won't last.

I have recently made friendships that I would love to think would last a long time, but I don't see myself as being a doormat. If you cannot be a friend that appreciates me and treats me with the respect I deserve.... our relationship won't last and that won't bother me one bit.

You do what you want, I'll do what I want... if we do it together, then great!! If we don't.... oh well.

I can honestly say that there are a handful of people that I honestly miss from back home.

Are you one of them???????????

Damn Cold!!

So... it has been progressively getting colder and colder here in the orient. I have obviously noticed it getting colder. Yesterday it was about 50 degrees, which is close to the average temperature in AZ during the winter. I wasn't cold. This morning it was 19 degrees. Literally. I'm not exaggerating at all.

I'm not used to this type of weather. Whenever I go snowboarding I don't notice it being that cold, and I'm convinced it really isn't that cold.

This... is cold. Apparently it gets down to negative temperatures here soon, negative during the day!!

Oh...

My...

God...

Shoot me now.

Wedding...

I'm pretty sure I'm going to be the last person on earth to get married.

Seems like this is the age everyone and their mother I went to HS and college with is getting hitched.

Ridiculous.


















I'm not bitter at all.

Why run?

I have been asked many times why I came to Korea in the first place. My answer has always been the same..... "because I've always wanted to do this... to help people... to travel'. While this statement still rings true and always will... its not the only answer.

I have recently tried to look deeper into myself to find the real root of my unhappiness and to find out why I always run when things start to get complicated.

A couple things have made me realize the root of all evil in my life.... A friend recently opened up to me and I opened up to him. We discussed our shortcomings in friendships and the reality of our self-mutilation and self-hate. Another thing that opened my eyes was Sex and the City (cheesy, I know), but something Carrie said in the episode stuck with me for days. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was more screwed up than I had originally anticipated. Lastly.... the thing that always opens my heart and mind was music. I always can think more clearly when listening to it. I don't know why certain songs speak to me more loudly and far more clearly at certain junctures in my life. But at this point I have suddenly found a song that does.

A friend of mine has this song on his page... a friend I don't talk to nearly as much as I should. Its a song called "Ride" by the Cary Brothers. This group also has a song called the "Loneliest Girl in the World"....

that speaks volumes without me having to touch it at all.....

I constantly find myself in the midst of a bustling crowd...... standing still. This time the crowd is everyone I know. All my friends from high school and junior high. All the friends I have met since high school... all the people I once knew. All these people are swirling around me at faster and faster rates....

My problem in this life... the thing that drives me up a wall and drives me the most crazy is not another person... its myself.

I can no longer blame the world for the pain I feel everyday. I realize now that all this time I have been justifying my feelings by blaming them on someone else... by saying that someone else hurt me. When in reality the only person to blame is looking back at me in the mirror.



So... to answer the question... why do I run? why did I run to Korea?? Why am I going to run all over the world until the end??

Because I'm trying to escape me. I'm trying to escape the world I have made for myself. I'm trying to escape into another reality. While it is a good idea in theory to start completely over.... it didn't solve anything. Now I'm more alone than ever, which means I get to spend more time with myself.

I am jealous of the fact that all the people around me are happy. they are getting everything they deserve out of life and their ultimate happiness somehow conforms to bring down my happiness into a pit of self hatred and jealousy. I don't want to be jealous of those around me. At the same time, my whole life I have wanted to fall in love. I've been dreaming of the perfect wedding with the perfect man for my whole life.... and everyone around me is getting that..... everyone but me. I sit at home alone every night while the rest of the world goes around in their blissful coupledom.

I hate it.

Fuck it all.

Thats my opinion on it... I'm an angry single person who is sick and tired of pretending she's happy for the rest of the world.

I am determined from this point on, to honestly try and be happy and not let the fact that I'm alone mess with my fun and happiness. Life is too short to waste feeling like complete crap. I may end up alone, but thats ok, because back home I have friends who love me (who knows why...) and I have parents who love me despite everything I've done to try and fuck that up.... and I have a dog who cuddles when I'm cold and sad....

That's all I need.

It's been awhile.

I haven't written on this blog in a long time. Mostly because I'm in Korea and I've been settling in, working and exploring every moment. I spend a lot of my time with my kids and my friends that I've made here. I'm very fortunate to be at a school with a variety of people as well as awesome people worth traveling with and hanging out with.

I recently went to Japan to obtain my visa for working in Korea so that I am no longer illegal. I went there wishing I could be there for longer and wishing that I had friends from home to share it with.

I love the adventure that I'm on and I love that I'm making new friends (which is honestly no big surprise).... but I long for those familiar faces of home that could laugh with me at the insane driving of Korean people. For those people that would be frustrated with me at the language barrier, who would be outraged and a little amused at the constant stares because we are foreigners.

I am tired of experiencing everything in life alone.

Uncertain

As I sit here in Korea, waiting for my afternoon, Elementary classes to start, I can't help but wonder.......

Does anyone at home really miss me? Do I really make that big of an impact on people in my life that they actually miss me when I'm gone??

Will they miss me enough to be excited when I come home in a year? Or will they forget me and my existance and it will be a minor blip in their realities when I return??

I always think way too much....

Living in Korea now...

I am so busy now.... its so different from when I was NON-busy at home.

I'm in Korea now for those that don't know. I'm teaching english to the cutest Korean Kindergarteners/elementary students ever. I love those kids because they are so pure.

They don't need to speak the same language as me to express their love for me. They attach themselves to my hands and my legs and my waist constantly. I walk down the halls at school with little Korean kids attached to me from every side. They are just so cute.

They scream a lot, which is the only downfall of teaching Kindergarten. They give me a headache, but they are so young and full of life that I cannot blame them for being that way.

Whatever. So... I have been in Korea for one week and I have missed people from home SO much. I miss my friends and family. I miss the love of my life. And he knows who he is. I miss him so much, its ridiculous. I had a dream last night about him and I cannot stop thinking about it.

I don't know why. It was just a dream, but whatever.

I hope everything is going well at home, and if you feel like sending me a letter, go for it. I would love to hear from you.

Katie Hurd
C/O The Chosunilbo Daily
Delienglish
4F Chosunilbo, 1591-8, Gwanyang-dong, Dongan-gu,
Anyang-city, Gyeonggi-do, 431-060
South Korea

Better person

Its funny how people take offense at things written on the internet. Generally what I write on here are thoughts.... passing thoughts that are exactly that.... passing. They rarely linger, but I am a literary person. I do enjoy writing. I have a lot of thoughts in my head and at times it helps to get them out onto paper... or into a computer/internet blog.

I do not make anyone read this. In fact, I stopped giving out the URL to it because I don't care if you DO read it. It's something for me to do when I am bored and a lot is going through my mind and everyone I normally speak to is asleep.

I do not care if you are insulted by my blog. It is my blog. I can write what I wish. My opinions are my own and my blog is my own. Regardless of the fact that it is written on the internet..... I don't care.

If you happen to read this and are offended because I had the NERVE to point out the obvious that you are a raving lunatic with a unwarranted sense of superiority...... thats not my problem. It is your problem. You take offense to it, because it is true.

Then you proceed to write to me in an attempt to bring me down. You speak of my "education"....

yes.... I have education. I am very educated. Educated in the world as well as in books. I know that my intelligence is superior to yours. You know who you are. You are an idiot. You use the fact that your boyfriend is someone semi-important to reign havoc over the few people you have moderate control over. You only have control because those people let you have control over them. I dared to not let you get the better of me, so you decided to become a seven headed snake. You came at me from every angle, trying to break me down so that you could, once again, feel superior.

I deflected you.

You then write in your "hate mail" that you read my blog. No one made you. No one made you read my blog, bulletins or anything. You chose to do that. That was your downfall.... you are too curious and interested in what I do in life. You know you are an idiot. You know that you are pathetic and you live in a world where you have control over nothing.

You have no control over yourself.... which is why you work as a waitress at a bar.... You are 24 and you work as a waitress still. You are an uneducated waitress living at home with her parents with no real future. Don't be angry at me because I am superior and I am going somewhere in life.

I have goals. You goals consist of what?? Chasing your boyfriend around for life?? That sounds like a really great existence.

I am going somewhere. I am going to succeed and make a difference in the world because I am driven. My life does not revolve around lording my minuscule tidbit of power over people that don't know any better.




You... are the pathetic one in this equation.

And those that follow your opinions are pathetic as well. If people cannot make decisions on their own about someone, they are no better than those that they choose to hate. If people hate me, it is because they are deceived by you into thinking that I am someone to be hated. I work hard and sacrifice of myself to better those around me.

You know nothing about me.

Best.

I have the best friends ever.

I have never had a surprise party in my entire life. I've always wanted one, but no one has ever made the effort to put one together for me.

Rachel, Caitlin and Kat all put in the effort.

I had the best going away/early birthday party last night.

The best of the best friends showed up.

It was Pirate themed.




I got lots of Korea books and a pirate coloring book for my trip to S.Korea

I love my friends.

I'm going to miss them like crazy.





I love you guys!!

Changes

I'm becoming a bit of a insomniac.

I never sleep... which I find that sleep is overrated anyway. I think that everything should be open 24 hours a day. Everything. There's so much stuff I can get done when I'm not sleeping.... except NO ONE ELSE is open.

That really puts a cramp on my style.

Lucky for me... when I'm in Korea... it will be daytime in the states when it is night time in Korea and I'm not sleeping.

I can call and bug people.






I should always live on the other side of the world from the people I know.

Thats more my schedule anyway.

Family

For those of you that don't know me extremely well.... my family consists of my mom, dad and brother. Thats about it. I have a GMA who is completely insane.... and various relatives that we do not speak to, for various reasons.

Recently I have become oddly closer to my mom. Which is weird because we spent 22 years of my life fighting and wanting to rip each other a new one constantly. I have had some of the worst fights of my life with my mom..... and I wanted to turn my back and walk away from her and never return. We did not have a relationship... let alone a GOOD relationship.

Now, it appears that things are getting better, step by step. It apparently took me graduating college for my mom to loosen up and realize that I'm an intelligent individual and NO, I'm not a clone of her. I am my own person and will always be a little weird in her opinion.

For a lot of my life I have been the outcast in the family. The one who is the weirdo that no one knows where she came from. I never felt like I belonged. My brother is like a replica of my mom with a little of my dad in him. He's boring, just like my parents. I'm the exciting one that goes out and does stuff to see what it's like. I don't like to hear 'don't do this cause something bad will happen'. I like to go out and DO that, and find out what is so bad about the consequence. Call me stupid or reckless, but my life has always been like this and I enjoy it.

As children, my brother always knew what he wanted to be when he 'grew up'. He wanted to be a computer engineer from the moment he could understand what it was. My dad is a computer engineer.... it only seemed 'plausible' that he would follow in my dad's footsteps?? I don't know why he chose this, but he loves computers and he loves his job. Good for him. I love my brother so I'm happy that he is happy.

I, on the other hand, have never been that person.... I never knew what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a horse for a long time in elementary school.... until I realized that I couldn't be a horse. Ever. After that heartbreaking realization I wanted to be an actor... cause I sure as hell loved to act like a horse..... so if I was an actor I could play all kinds of fun roles. I took theater in high school and thought better of me being an actor. I still think I could do it, but it isn't my passion.

I spent forever trying to figure out what my passion is. You know what it is?? I HAVE NO IDEA!!! The thing about me is... I have about a billion passions. I love music... I love reading... I love traveling.... I love people..... I love history.

How do I smack those all together???? Go to another country and teach and meet people, and travel while I'm there and go to concerts of bands I love.

Yup. Thats pretty much my life plan.

To just fuck around for 60 or so years then kick the bucket in an awesome way.

I have lived life by the seat of my pants.... just going from one adventure to the other. Never really expecting life to take me in a certain direction or give me any ideas for a future.

I still have a billion goals that will result in different life paths.... but for now I'm satisfied not knowing.

I pride myself on the freedom in which I live everyday. I have my worries, but how many people would pick up their entire life after hearing 2 weeks ago that they are going to Korea? Most people would find that 2 weeks notice is not enough.... Its fast, but I'm willing and able.

I found out that my brother is looking for a job in Colorado..... and he's distancing himself from my parents and myself. Which makes me sad. I love my brother. I can't help but think that he's jealous and mad at me in some way.... He has been out of college for 2 years and he is finally getting to the point where he will leave AZ. He has always wanted to get the hell out. But I'm about 3 months out of college and I've already been on 2 concert tours around the country and am moving to another country.

Who has the plan NOW sucker???

I guess there is something to say for not being prepared and not making a life plan. Plans never work out anyway....

I feel pretty good about life right now.

Control

I think there is something to say for someone who has gone through the most intense sort of rejection by the world... hit rock bottom... and then bounced back. I have immense respect for those that have gone through hell and back in their lives and when they were at a point where they could give up and surrender to the urges of snuffing out that small glimmer of light..... they decided they would prevail. They would become better people than anyone in their lives expected them to become.

It takes guts to start over in life. It takes guts to look at yourself in the mirror and say 'I love you but I hate you' and then do something about it. The world is full of people who live day to day with the mundane life of a follower. They never make decisions that will heavily impact their lives. They try to avoid all possible conflict with outsiders.

The people I admire ARE the outsiders. They have dared to take that leap off the cliff of reality and put all their trust in a tiny parachute.

The following video is actually a radio interview with Wil Francis of Aiden.

You all know me well enough to know that his life is one that I admire more than most. You will know why after you listen to this.

Captivating.

Have you ever noticed how something so small can captivate your attention?

Such as raindrops on the sidewalk. I just sat outside for 30 minute doing nothing but listening to the rain hit the cement.... letting my mind wander over my life and the changes that are occurring. It's a little overwhelming at this juncture.... but eventually things will smooth out.

Its weird how someone can capture your attention as well. A simple glance into their eyes and you never forget what you saw there. Their eyes, their lips, their hands, their ears, their nose. Everything about them is so fascinating. Not necessarily the best eyes, or the best lips you've ever seen.... but fascinating none-the-less. Something you cannot look away from no matter how hard you try. You mull over the brooding soul you saw in the eyes, the smoke dancing off their lips.

Kinda ridiculous actually.

I realized tonight that my mind works way too fast. I am constantly thinking. I come up with little jokes in my head when someone says something. Regardless of what it is.... I find something in it that sparks 2100 thoughts... all at once. One of those thoughts is so cliche and random that it makes me burst out into sudden laughter. No one clearly understands why I'm laughing.... hell, I don't even totally realize it.

I need to shut down my mind before it spontaneously combusts. I explained to my friend Rachel... that my brain is like a runaway train.... it keeps going and going and going, faster and faster, never actually crashing into anything.... just forever a runaway train.

Apparently I'm less likely to get alzheimers because my mind works overtime.

Guess thats a good thing.

Or.... maybe I could use an escape from this wretched torture. I cannot sleep due to the overwhelming thoughts. I have become an extreme form of insomniac. A shadow of myself. I'm constantly tired without the ability to sleep. I am tired when I am reading, so I put my book down and turn off the light.... at this point I am immediately awake. Unable to sleep.....

I think I'm in the 7th circle of hell.... only reserved for the thieves and the over-thinkers, and the dreaded unfaithful lovers.

I like to think of peoples punishments in terms of Greek mythology. When someone has done something bad in their life, they are sent to Hades for eternity.... Hades is the Greek version of hell. At this point they are put into a situation that they are unable to control and it constantly repeats itself.

such as having to roll a rock up a hill each and everyday, but as soon as it nears the top..... it rolls back down. Or dying of thirst and being chained to the middle of a puddle of fresh water.... and whenever you bend down to drink.... the water retreats, just far enough that you cannot get a taste.

Or my personal favorite: the man who is strapped to a pole and everyday he has his liver eaten out by a vulture.... this vulture then consumes his liver. But... everyday the liver grows back inside the man so that the vulture has a meal for the next day.

I personally believe my personal hell is right now.... not being able to stop thinking.

Maybe something worse. Its easier for me to think of things for other people... not necessarily myself.

______________________________________________________

One of my favorite music artists is coming out with an album while I am going to be out of the country (October 28th to be exact). I will freak out to the max if I cannot get my grubby hands on it.

Sooner or later it will be mine.

Cigarettes and a Smile

I always have this certain person on my mind.... Always. Not a moment goes by where he isn't at the back of my mind.... lurking. Fucking with my reality. Fucking with my life. Fucking with my emotions.

I am spun into chaos every time I take the time to actually dwell on him. Most of the time, it's just a passing thought about something funny he did, or something silly he said or something fantastically annoying he did. Usually its a fleeting thought.... I try not to spend too much time on it. I have tried beyond belief to just.... get over it. To grow up and stop being a foolish girl. I don't want to love him.

I want to be heartless. I want to be callous. I want to be able to just say "screw him.... I am over it". But I can't. I have never had such a hard obstacle to overcome. I've always been able to eventually see the flaws in those that I think that I 'love'. I am not a stupid girl. I'm not the girl to fall head over heels. I'm the girl with a solid head on her shoulders. I'm the girl who people come to for advice because I'm logical. I'm the girl that people seem to believe doesn't want to ever get married. I'm the girl that is wild and free like wild horses... running free. I'm not the girl who gets strapped down. I'm not the girl who sells her heart on the black market for cigarettes and a smile. I so badly just want to get on with my life and not have him lurking there, reminding me of what a silly girl I am.

When I do take the time to really dwell on him, attempting to come up with flaws that will make me not love him. That will make my brain wake up from this love-sick slumber and say "what the hell is your deal?? You are especially retarded today". But no.... thats not the plan for me. Fate has once again decided that I'm going to be a love-sick puppy for eternity. When I think about his eyes I die a little inside from the fact that he is not here with me. When I think of his smile, crooked teeth and gold caps I laugh a little inside because his imperfections are what makes him beautiful. When I think of his smell I cannot think of anything more perfect in the world...... Then I get angry at myself because I'm so stupid to be in love.

I love who I am turning out to be in my later years of life.... (22 is so old, I know). But I do not think I'm good enough for him. I'm not perfect. Yes, he has imperfections, but I have emotional scars that run deeper than any physical flaw (and I have a few of those too).

I hate feeling inadequate.

blah.






my flowers are starting to grow beautifully. I cannot wait for them to get bigger. Too bad I won't be here in a month.

I'll be off somewhere in never-never land trying to regain my sanity and figure ME out.

Completely Lost my Mind

I haven't been able to sleep much recently. Actually... I've probably slept about 10 hours in the last 3 days. Just enough to keep me from hallucinations. It isn't for lack of trying. Trust me, I don't want to not be sleeping. I love sleep and there is very little on this earth that I love more than my bed. But... every time I get into bed, my mind goes 100 miles an hour and I can't make it stop. I cannot seem to shut it down or slow it to a pace that allows for sleep. I'm surprisingly not as frustrated about my predicament as I thought I would be. I have a lot to think about. The last two weeks have been... eventful. A lot has been slapped on my plate, and shoved down my throat. I have a lot of things to consider. A lot of choices to make. A lot of things to plan.

I never have a concrete plan in life. I've always thought that that was one of my faults. That I SHOULD have a plan. I should know where I'm going. I should be prepared. I should be a certain way. This all comes from the upbringing I had. My brother knew he was going to be a computer engineer from the time he could walk. He loved computers. All that crap is his passion. He's good at it. He's now an engineer.... I never was one to plan. I tried. I tried to decide what I wanted to do in life at an early age. It only screwed me up more to try to do that. I never knew when I was younger that people don't all make plans. That all people don't know what they want to do with life. In fact, thats something that very few people actually know when they are kids.

So when I decided that I wanted to be a business major it seemed like the obvious choice. It was stable. I could make my mom proud and I could make money. Lots of it (in theory). I was only interested in money. Then I realized after almost 2 years in the business school at ASU that I was miserable. I hated my classes. I hated my classmates. I hated my life. I couldn't take the monotony of accounting 230 anymore. It was driving me insane. The numbers were jumping off the face and kicking me with their little number feet.... all over my body. It was like spiders crawling all over me, except it was numbers. I couldn't take it. I was either going to continue and be miserable and jump off a high rise in my business suit at 30, or I was going to get the hell out.

I got out.

I then found myself out in the middle of a crowd with the world spinning around me. I didn't know what to do. My "perfect plan" didn't work out. I was lost. Confused. Happy. I felt like a convict finally released from jail. I could smell the fresh air, the wind on my face, the laughter around me of my fellow students. I walked across campus and changed my major that day to history and education.

Now. I love history. And I love teaching (who woulda thought?? me... a teacher!!). But I still don't have that feeling of comfort and security that I feel I should have. I'm a wanderer. I love to just fly somewhere and meet new people... experience life, love and pain. I love to test myself by putting myself in situations that are not comfortable. I am a strong person because of the past adventures I have gone through.

In the back of my mind lies that little comfort bug. The one that is dying rapidly because I lack security in my life. I don't know if I WANT security. I don't know what I want anymore. I think that I want something, but when I get it, I'm looking on to the next thing. I don't know what will quench my thirst. When will it end?? There has to be a point that I get to where there isn't a "whats next". There has to be a point where there is a "this is it.... the end of the line". But when?? What kind of a place will I be in at that point.

I'm going off to Korea in a month. One month. Its the most... shocking thing that has happened to me in a long time. But with everything that has happened this week... I don't know how to deal.

I lost one of my best friends because he wasn't who I thought he was.... I don't think I ever knew him at all. I'm still heartbroken about that and I don't think that piece of me will be healed. Ever. My mom told me something heartbreaking as well that I feel shattered a portion of my childhood. I look back on my life and there are times when what she told me.... came into question and she lied. To her young child. She lied. I don't know if I'll ever be able to cope with that. I love my mom and always will. I hope that she and I can finally have a relationship where I can talk to her. I hope. Someday. But I still don't feel that comfort... that security... that I should feel when talking to my mom. It's not there. I want to be able to talk to her like a daughter should be able to talk to her mother. I should be able to talk to her without fear of judgment or retribution. But I feel more comfortable talking to the teller at the bank about life than I do my mom. Hopefully overtime this will change.

I'm moving to Korea and I'm terrified. I've never been so terrified in my entire life. Not ever. I've been through some crazy stuff in my life.... but this seems to be the end all of crazy. This is the time in which I start to question myself. I start to wonder if I'm really strong enough to make it work.... if I'm strong enough to not fail and break apart into a thousand pieces. My uncle warned me that when living in another country alone, it can be very lonely. Despite the friendships you make and the work you do to keep you busy, depression hits. The first 6 months are the hardest. Especially with holidays, birthdays and no one around to just be yourself with. I am scared. I already battle heavy depression everyday. I do well with it, considering how bad I once was..... but I'm scared that I'll start sliding down a slippery slope that I cannot stop.

But this will not stop me from going. I'm just dumb enough to fuck myself over by going.

The hardest part of this week is leaving my friends. I have made 3 girlfriends, Caitlin, Rachel and Kat that are my sisters. I have a half sister that screwed me over (yes. her too)... and broke my heart into pieces. I had always wanted a sister and she came back into my life when I was 13 and I attached to her like glue. She was my sister. Then it all came crumbling down 5 years later and I was left in shambles. I have trouble trusting people because of people like her. Now, I find 3 girls who complete the "sister" hole that is in my heart as well as the "friend'. We have this undeniable bond to one another that cannot be explained. I need them and they need me. Our hearts are bound to one another because in our pasts we have had our hearts trampled on by those that called themselves friends. I know that they understand me and that I understand them. I've never felt so close to anyone in my life.

But now I'm leaving. They are the reasons I would stay in Arizona forever. They mean more to me than stupid dreams. Because with them I'm so much happier than I have ever been.

When I leave in early September I'll be missing out on so much. I'll be missing out on birthdays with my girls. I'll be missing out on Caitlin's last months in AZ before moving to Alaska. I don't want to not be here for that. I'll miss Ashley's wedding, I'll miss Christmas with my girls and my family. I'll miss my brother's bday, I'll miss my mom's bday, I'll miss my gma's bday, I'll miss my dad's bday. I'll miss Linz's bday. I'll miss Teresa's bday. I'll miss my nephew London's 1st birthday... I'll spend my own bday alone. I'll spend Christmas on my own if I don't have money to come home.

It's almost too much to take and is making my decision that much harder.

tears are a flowin'!!

My Uncle

I just talked to my uncle that lives in China....

He told me what my first day in Korea will be like (since he's lived in a thousand different countries.... he would know).

he says:

"You will spend all day on the plane and then when you land in Korea you will go through immigration and on all sides of you will be armed guards with machine guns that look like they are straight out of a Rambo movie. At this point you will think 'what the hell am I doing??' Then you will get through immigration and some guy will be there with a sign with your name on it.... and you don't know him, nor do you trust him.... you actually probably distrust him. He will then take you to a hotel or apartment or whatever and drop you off. You will then check in. The next morning you'll wake up in a whole new world..."

Haha. My uncle makes me laugh. but he's so right.

AND.... he just told me that he and his wife will probably be moving to France in early October. Which means I'll REALLY be alone on the other side of the world.

he said I can come over and help him and Loretta pack... I can pack her shoes which will take me about a week. haha.

Then he said that I can pop over to France when I want to visit.... or visit him in an unemployment line and bring him food... whichever the case may be. Better yet... he can move in and sleep on my floor while Loretta and I work. He can then sit at home and retire.

I love my uncle. He's the family member that is the most sarcastic...... and I'm so glad I have him around. He's the only family member I know that is as crazy as I am when it comes to travel and adventure.

Dear god. I'm scared.

Operation Repo

My lovely friend Jessica is in a movie called Operation Repo.

I'm so excited for her because she's worked so hard to get this opportunity.

AND. I'm excited to see the movie so I can SHOUT that I know her.

Here's the trailer.

Tell a friend :)

See the movie :)




Check out this video: Operation Repo The Movies Official Teaser



Jessica is at about 1:27 with the red shirt.

Gorgeous lady.
:)

I love it when I get to see friends achieve something amazing that they have worked their asses off for.

Alex Pardee

If you are fan of The Used or Aiden, you have seen Alex's art.

I love his majorly messed up art... it always inspires me and kinda grosses me out at times too. Great combination.

If you're a weirdo like me, you'll probably enjoy his fucked up art.

I always wanted to get this tattooed on my side. I still might.



This one is entitled: Tonight, To Knight:



Title: The Lurker



Title: Goodnight Lava



Title: The Hug



Title: Red Handed



Title: Escaped Conviction



Title: Vomit Is Love




Enjoy

What do I feel?

I am one of those people that when I feel something, I know it. My emotions rest on my sleeve. If I'm angry, you know it.

A recent development in the life of Katie occurred today. Now... for the first time in a long ass time, I don't know what to do or what I want.

Well... I can't say I don't know what I want. I definitely know what I want. The question is more along the lines of.... what is BEST for me at this juncture?? What I want.... or what I've been working toward for quite some time.

I'm always so conflicted. I guess thats what happens when you are uber awesome like myself. haha.

I love this song.

Unable.

I'm unable to get my head around something my mom told me tonight. I cannot disclose what it is, because she was embarrassed and I have to respect it. Regardless. I never considered it a possibility that my mom did something like this. You think you know someone and then BAM.... something like this happens.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. She's my mom. But... at the same time I'm kinda wondering what else she's waited 23 years to tell me. It was a shock, not because of the actual 'thing', but because it was HER. She's so ultra conservative that it was the last thing I could have expected from her. As her daughter.... I'm having issues with it. I told her that I didn't care.... and I don't. It's just difficult to deal with and accept as fact. Its almost like the last 23 years was a lie. Ugh. I'm being dramatic, I know.... but still... it feels weird!!!

At this point in my mom and my relationship, I feel like its time for me to reveal the other 5 tattoos she doesn't know about. I've been hiding them from her for a year... not because I'm embarrassed of them, because if you know me... you know I LOVE my tattoos. More along the lines of... I was always afraid of her reaction... based on her reaction about the first 4. She wasn't exactly excited or supportive. But I feel that if she can open up and tell me something that was hard for her, that she should be able to accept me. She came to me with an expectation that I wouldn't flip out and that I would still love her. And I would expect no less from her. Yes... what I did is different. I got body art where you can see it all the time practically... but what she did wasn't exactly tiny in comparison.

Oy. What to do!!!!

Catch 22

I'm at a point in my life where uncertainty is a huge roadblock.

I am out of school for the first time IN MY LIFE since I was a toddler.... I have a college degree. I have the entire world as my oyster and can do what I please. I am young... unattached... free spirited.

I have dreams upon dreams that the average person wouldn't even think of attempting. But I want is to be extraordinary. I don't want ordinary life. I don't want the house with 2.5 kids and a dog. I don't want that. No way Jose, Pedro or Jesus.

But. At this point in my life... at this JUNCTURE to use a large intimidating word (actually... it's not so large and less than intimidating... regardless....) I am standing at a fork in the road... with no idea what to do.

I always try to plan out the next.... week or month of my life. So I have something to work toward. But on Sunday (last week.... the 20 something of July) I was faced with a complete turn-around. What I thought was going to be an amazing summer.... turned out to be sub-par and less than stellar. All of a sudden I was where I hadn't expected to be for over a month..... with nothing planned. Nothing.

I feel like I'm on a desert island. With no real escape plan. With no branches to make a raft like Tom Hanks in Cast Away. No volleyball even for company. I'm on a desert island with NOTHING but sand.

Screw sand... you can't make a raft out of sand.

Now... I am in desperate need of a new apartment... desperate. And I cannot move. I am stuck because of money. While I am looking for a job...... the money situation is steadily getting worse.

Being out of college sucks.

Botany

Oh, and for those that are keeping up with my experiments in botany....... I am now trying something new.

My babies (Caitlin, Kat and Rachel... as I named them. because there are 3 and they are flowers... therefore pretty. and the 3 prettiest things in my life right now are my best friends).... are in the kitchen near the window.... listening to jazz music.

I put the radio near them. I am also enjoying the tunes. Its quiet, so I can barely hear it, but I convinced myself in the car that they would enjoy it. If those plants are to be in my house... they are going to be music lovers.

There is no other way to be.

I can't wait til they pop out of the soil so I can REALLY be a plant mommy and take photos upon photos.

Oh. I should take photos of their "pre-growth"!!!!

I'm going to do that now.

stay tuned....

Mexican Hat dance.

Do you ever have those moments where you have the opportunity to be the bigger person but you don't take it?? You'd rather be a small petty person than the bigger, more mature person.

I actually took that opportunity this week and was the bigger person. When I could have written a scathing blog about the flaws evident in others, I chose not too. Not that it helped the situation AT ALL, but I felt a little better. I tend to be the person that writes back immediately to rude messages, texts, etc. When I'm angry, I'm even quicker. But... for once I held my tongue and gave myself time to cool down and think rationally.

Which is a step in the right direction. I guess.

I have a bad temper at times. Which is amazing to me. Because it comes and goes. When I was student teaching and would get frustrated it would take a LOT to make me frustrated. I was a fairly patient person. But then when it comes to people I know out of 'work'.... friends and family and otherwise unrelated to school activities people.... I am quick to anger. Why is that?? Maybe its cause I find the innocence of students to be less annoying than the blatantly badgering ignorance of adults.

Thats probably it.

I solved my own issue. HERE'S A TISSUE!!!

I spent today doing random things.

I went to bed at 3am... then got up at 8 after a very bad nights sleep. I had trouble waking up, for the first time in forever. I sat on my couch for 20 minutes before even starting to get ready for my interview. For me, thats unusual. I'm always the one who pops out of bed and right into the shower in about 2 minutes. I pop here and there. Pop pop pop. But today was different. It was the culmination of the entire weeks stress that got to me.

This past week has probably been the WORST one so far in recent memory.

There was one week in August 2007 that was worse. But that's cause that was when my heart was torn from my chest and that person did the Mexican Hat dance ON my heart. It was OBVIOUSLY never the same. Duh.

Anyway. I went to a job interview. It was for teaching at a detention center here in Phoenix. I think it would be great. The woman said "detention center.... DON'T CRINGE". I actually did not cringe at all. I got a twinge in my heart telling me that I wanted that job worse than anything. I love troubled kids. Thats where my heart lies. I told the woman that I didn't cringe and that I found it ridiculous that anyone would. I was surprised that she thought I would cringe. I guess I can see WHY she would, but I thought it was a great opportunity. I'm hoping to get the job. Because if I do, I think that this could be a cool experience for me. Plus... how tough do I sound when I say "My last job was at the detention center". Har har har. Hilaaaarious.

After the interview I went home and went back to sleep for a few hours. Then... I got up and went to Rachel's house (again. hehe. I'm always there or at Kat's... or with them). We went bowling. It was hilariously fun. I had a great time.

When I walked in, I noticed a girl I went to high school with... someone I was once friends with. She was there with a friend and her husband. They appeared to be having a horrid time. We got placed WITH them. Which was awkward. But... we had such a ridiculously loud good time, that anyone would have a terrible time. And I realized something.

I'm very fortunate to have the girl friends that I do. Without them.... I would be very lonely. They are the rock that holds me together, especially this week. They support me in all my wacky endeavors. They love me despite my flaws and they don't point them out to me. They know that I am human and make mistakes and do dumb things and have issues, yet they love me anyway. I felt sorry for the girl I was once friends with. She could have been having so much more fun. Our group is so free. We are free to laugh and yell and be rowdy.

I felt happy tonight.... then I started to feel non-happy. Not because of the company. but because my mind is weighed down with a lot of bullshit right now. And I can hardly breathe.

I am going to my parents house for dinner tomorrow. I'm going to try to get my mom to see the desperation in my situation... hopefully she won't say the dreaded "i told you so". Regardless... she did tell me so. I didn't listen. For once I can admit that my mom was right. She knew this would happen and I refused to believe. Now... I need her more than ever. I need her to help me be happy.

Cross your fingers that my mommy feels that this is a time when monetary assistance is appropriate.

Small Joys and Heartbreak Hotel

Have you ever had a "friend" go and point out the things you hate most about yourself?? And then make up even more things that play off of those insecurities so that you feel even worse about yourself??

In the past month (possibly longer) I have felt like a complete fool. Not saying that I am not an intelligent person, because by all means.... I am. And I know that I am. I have a college diploma that says I'm smart. Regardless.... there are insecurities that we all feel day in and day out and there is nothing anyone can say or do to make them go away.

My own personal insecurities stem from the fact that I am surrounded by happy, loving, blissful couples and I am in fact... single. Still. Always. Forever. I have had spurts of non-singledom. But they are short spurts and very overrated. I can never seem to find that ONE individual that is my perfect match and completes me. That one that, during a fight, I know will always love me. The one person that I can trust enough to be vulnerable and let my guard down. I have such a wall around my heart that its growing nearly impossible to penetrate. Soon I'll just be a completely heartless individual, blocked off from all the pain after years of torture and heart break.

I want to find that one person. It hurts so bad that I can't. That I see my friends who are my age, or younger..... settling down and finding that person. I see it everyday. Day in and day out. I love the idea of love, and I'm very happy for my friends. But I cannot help but be insanely jealous at the same time. I try to keep the jealousy to a minimum because I'm not the jealous type. I have a lot of things in my life to qualify me as a lucky person. But the one thing I have always dreamed of... love.... is out of my reach.

Everyone tells me "it'll happen, it'll happen". I cannot tell you how sick I am of hearing that. I do not believe, any more than I believe in Santa (which is ZERO!) that it will happen. Yes, I'm only 22, but if you have gone through the crap I've been through.... you wouldn't believe in it either. I don't buy it. I don't think it'll happen. I stopped believing a long time ago and I just wish that I could be satisfied with my lot in life. I WANT so badly to just never want it ever again. For me to be happy without it. For me to stop feeling like there is this void in my life.

Blah. I hate feeling like this. I'm getting annoyed with myself

But. Back to what I was going to say about friends fucking friends over.......

I feel that a real friend would not play on the other persons insecurities, regardless of the fight or the situation or the immense hate that is obviously in that persons heart. Cruelty is not the answer to an argument. No matter how much I absolutely hate this person and feel betrayed by this person, I wouldn't go around and spread their problems and post them for the world to see. I wouldn't tear them down to the point that they feel even worse about themselves.

Depression is a real thing. It isn't an excuse to be sad. It isn't "emo". It's real. For those that have never experienced it.... lucky you. For those of you that have.... welcome to my fucked up world. At times I feel fine, but some days are so hard to get out of bed because I don't see the point. Those that don't battle depression and depression doesn't run in their family, they always say shit like "just CHOOSE to be happy..... why can't you just get up and be happy??" It's not that simple. If it WERE, the world would be a better place. But it's not. It doesn't work. Depression isn't a CHOICE. It's called a chemical imbalance kids. CHEMISTRY. Remember that class that you probably slept through in high school. If you even went....

Yea. Thats it. Chemistry. I don't choose to feel like crap some days, where it doesn't seem like the day will end. Where the only answer is the worst possible choice..... but I'm too chicken to take it.





I.... choose to put on a happy front for the world to see. I don't like pity. And the fact that this "friend" chose me for target practice.

Thats the thing that hurts worse than the betrayal.

Although, neither makes me particularly happy.

On a happy note......

I planted some seeds yesterday in some pots..... and I'm patiently waiting for them to start growing. I placed them outside so that they would get sunlight. I wanted them inside cause, lets face it, the face of the sun isn't the best environment for growing flowers..... BUT.... my apartment faces north and south, therefore the sunlight is very minimal....

I'm excited for some flowers to start growing.

AND.... I bought some plumeria seeds on ebay last night.

I CANT WAIT!!!!!!

life can be cruel, but the small joys are good ones.

Top 25 albums

When I think of music and the importance it has in my life... I think back to when I first began my long journey down this road. When my friend Michael asked me to put together a list of my top 25 albums, it was surprisingly difficult. I could not decide if I wanted to make the list about my top 25 albums CURRENTLY, or my 25 when I was younger. Because... they constantly change.

Thats one thing that can be said about my taste in music, it is constantly changing. I go from loving country, to pop, to being a rock and roll fiend. Right now, I cannot get enough hip hop. Who knew right??

This is MY list of top 25. They range from what is important to me now, to what was important to me when I was a young kid.

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER.

Alanis Morisette—Jagged Little Pill

30 Seconds to Mars—Self-titled

Aiden- Nightmare Anatomy

Blink-182—Enema of the State

Shania Twain—Come on Over

Blondie—Plastic Letters

Madonna—Like a Prayer

Britney Spears— Britney

Michael Jackson—Thriller

Billy Idol—Vital Idol

Green Day— Nimrod

Hoobastank—Basketball Shorts

Earshot-- Two

Beatles—White Album

Beach Boys—Pet Sounds

Sarah McLachlan-- Afterglow

The Used—In Love and Death

Train—Drops of Jupiter

Tool—10,000 Days

Schoolyard Heroes—Funeral Sciences

Pink Floyd— The Wall

Our Lady Peace—Naveed

Mum—Finally We are No One

Cobra Starship—While the City Sleeps, We Rule the Streets

Marilyn Manson—Anarchist Superstar

Plumeria

I've decided to become a gardener. And by gardener... I mean in my apartment I'm going to try to grow some plumerias. Might as well. What else have I got to do with my time.

Plus I love plumerias so much.



I decided this just now.

about 2 minutes ago.

I'm researching.

In my attempt

to become a happier individual.

I spent this evening (after Caitlin departed)... doing things I want to do.

First.... I walked around my apartment, loving my new rug.

Then I laid down on my 20 dollar rug from target that I adore.

Then I pulled out my coloring book and colored a couple pictures of princesses.......

Then I made a couple cookies and I ate them right up.

Then I sat down and drew in my sketch book for the first time in a year or so. I used to love to draw... almost as much as I love to write.

During this time I watched movies.... a bunch of sappy movies that i adore.

These movies are:









I love being alone.

Caitlin

I am entitling this blog 'Caitlin' because it is dedicated to her.

The last couple days, as you know from my past blogs..... have not been easy. In fact, they have been extremely difficult. Not only trying to my heart and soul, but also trying to my mental stability.

I almost had a complete breakdown the other day. It was the closest I have been to actually losing it and doing something stupid in almost a year. If you know me well enough, you know what the last event was.

Seems to be that the betrayal of loved ones tends to do that to me.

Anyway. My friend Caitlin, who I have not known very long, but I have loved her for as long as I HAVE known her.... came over. She drove an hour from her home to my home. She then proceeded to cheer me up by being a breath of fresh air and sanity in a world full of gloom.

She then proceeded to clean up my room, clean up my kitchen, clean up my living room and make my apartment all pretty again.

I have spent the last few months since moving in with my roommate...... waiting for him to contribute to the apartment. To help me make it ours. He has not done that. Not at all. So Caitlin made it mine.

Then she spent the night and I woke up this morning to an even CLEANER apartment as well as decorated walls.

Then we proceeded to jump my car which was out of service due to a dead battery. She then took me to Checker where we bought a battery and Caitlin struggled for over 30 minutes trying to get the corroded battery out before someone helped her.

Regardless of what I have done in life.... I never considered myself lucky enough to deserve a friend that would do that much for me. I am so grateful to her.

I know that if I had been left alone last night I would not be in the good shape I am today..... I would still be wallowing in self pity.

I love my girls.

Traumatic

this past couple days has been an emotional rollercoaster.

mostly downhill.

yesterday my friend Caitlin came over to cheer me up. She brought me out of my funk and made me smile again. She took care of me and made me realize that true friendship is hard to come by.

and that I have friends that won't stab me in the back..

those friends that DID stab me in the back are done for. Its sad to say, but I fell for it SO long that at this point, its heartbreaking to say that its over.

I'm the type of person that gives people the benefit of the doubt repeatedly. I never seem to learn from my mistakes.

I have a hardened heart from past lives and past altercations with "loved" ones..... but I still manage to love. I still manage to care. I still manage to hurt.

And I hurt now.

I hurt a lot.

Superior

I woke up this morning thinking about how angry I am at the world. Mostly at one or two people. The people that had the nerve to fuck me over.

I don't think that I will spend too much time dwelling... just a little longer. The pain and betrayal is a little fresh in my mind still....

In a day or two when I have decided to no longer be pissed off.... My anger will subside into revenge. I will then get even with the world that so callously cast me aside.... and I will prevail. I will prevail because thats what I am meant to do. I'm meant to be beaten down and then rise up again and be victorious.


This is not the first time I have felt the rejection that comes with the cruel world in which I am attempting to break into....

I love.....

my friends.

Came to my rescue when I needed them the most.

I'm not having the BEST day ever.

Actually its one of the worst.

It really sucks to have these insane dreams that are so awesome...... and you are closing in on realizing your dream..... and then BAM....... someone else gets to realize your dream. Someone you introduced to the necessary people.

They go behind your back.....

kinda sucks.

But i love my friends.

Imagine

Have you ever had a life-long dream of going to a certain destination??

You fell in love with this place when you were very young and the fascination with it has never ceased. In fact, your heart swells more and more every year with love for this place.

This place for me.... is Greece.

I have been passionate about the culture, the people, the food, the scenery, the architecture.... for as long as I can remember.

I remember falling in love with Greek mythology and it all building from there.... slowly becoming something I could not deny.

When I finally find a job that will pay me to do something I love.... I aim to save up money and my FIRST big trip out of the country on my own dollar.... I'm going to Greece.

How could anyone deny the beauty??

Dark Knight

I saw the new Batman movie AGAIN today. I have now seen it twice. First time I was in the 2nd row from the FRONT. Stupid opening night at 12:05 showing. Whatever.

Tonight I was in a much better place.



I like that movie poster. A lot. I'm not really sure why.

I think that despite all the controversy surrounding Heath Ledger and his performance (and death)... he was amazing. Regardless of whether or not he is alive.... he was awesome as the Joker. I would have expected much less from him.... I was so surprised at how he did.

I know I know..... he only gets this attention because he's dead. Whatever. I don't believe that for a minute. Everyone makes me feel stupid for feeling the way I do. I have never been a Heath Ledger fan. Ever. I have seen A Knight's Tale 200 times... ONLY BECAUSE I don't have cable and its always on tv...... Not because I think Heath is a stellar actor.

I have never wanted to see all his other movies, nor do I want to now.

Maybe its the sucker in me... the softie that feels for his daughter and family.... the GIRL who wants for him to get the recognition he deserves.

Maybe you don't think he deserves this recognition... but I do. So shove it up your butt if you don't agree. This is my blog.... I can say what I want. Its my whole freedom of speech thing.... freedom of press as well (in a way).

Yes.... my history teacher nerdism is coming out.

Letting Go

Do you ever have something in your life that completely blows you away?? That you knew was coming, yet when it did, it seemed to totally obliterate your reality???

Yea. That came today.

I have my dreams and the majority of my friends see me as the "dreamer". The one that goes out and makes those dreams happen. The one who has the luck to have it actually happen for them.

For once.... I'm the real loser in this situation.

I'm starting to realize... while having dreams is a good idea, sometimes dreams are farfetched and should be let go....

I'm letting my dreams go one at a time.... like balloons into the heavens... my dreams go....

Music is my SOUL

Everyone always says crap like "music moves me", "music is my life".

Whatever. You don't understand the true impact of music until your life completely revolves around it. Until you cannot live a moment without listening to it or playing it in your mind. Every breath you take is for music..... you cannot get enough. The wind has musical notes drifting away on its gusts... and no.... I do not see this because I'm tripping on acid. I do not do drugs. I see this because music is my soul. My heart beats with the tune of songs from past lives.

Now... I will regularly post my favorite songs in playlists........ and because my music taste is so vast and ALWAYS changing...... you can count on a variety of tunes.

So... for today... Monday. The day of the week that the world hates.... I give you these songs

Paranoia

I'm so insane. I hate that I can take the most amazing things in life and fuck them up merely because I'm partially schizophrenic. Yes.... I did spell that right the first time. I may be crazy, but my diction is fantastic and my spelling is stellar.

Why is it that while I'm so happy with things I can't help but pick apart the smallest thing??

I always find friendships that are so great, then I pick them apart at the small imperfect seams. Eventually they unravel and blow up in my face like 10 lbs of tnt.

I don't know if it is my ultimate absence and unavailability to be confided in.... but I feel left out of things.

Like I'm the 'wild" friend that everyone keeps around cause my life is so exciting.

I'm really not that exciting.

I live in a van (well.... not permanently... but for the summer)



I have an All Access Pass to Mayhem tour



Maybe its my inability to get married and settle down like everyone else.

believe you me.... if you keep up with this blog and read it regularly.... (oh my god, i have to change the song on my itunes shuffle. its my "rainforest sounds" and it sounds like someone pissing)

anyway.... if you are a 'kate's blog regular' you will come to realize that this "Unmarried status" is not necessarily by choice.

Why do I feel like...... a second rate friend????

Why...... do I feel like I just tag along with people in life??

Why do people feel that they can say mean things to me?? and that saying "JUST KIDDING" makes it ok???

Why do some people never say nice things to those that they consider friends??

Sometimes all it takes is a, "I'm glad you're in my life" to make someone feel really great.

But I don't think I'll hear that much anytime soon.






blah.

I have blogged too much today. But I never have enough "writing therapy".